Babysitting- progress or no?

I held my tongue.

I resisted the (very strong) urge to stomp off to the bedroom and bury my head under the covers and pout.

I (mostly) kept my tone calm.

I watched myself get very close to punishment and manage to stay just shy of it. For once.

So that's progress right?
Right..?

On my end I suppose. But I think there was some backsliding on his part.

I swallowed my pride. There's things I need to work on that have always been problems for me. When I first brought DD to him I didn't explain much of anything. I told him I had things saved in the bookmarks section of my computer and that it was the only thing open on it while I was at work and then told him not to look. Although that last part was an afterthought when the realization of "Oh holy hell what did I just do? He's going to think I've lost what little sanity I had left." But he looked. Of course he looked. Who wouldn't after an opener like that?

I had some old blogs in there. Not mine of course, some others. From like 2007. I didn't know there were so many of us at the time. I just found the one and ran with it. I got home from work and he comforted me, told me I wasn't crazy, and all that jazz. He told me he loved me no matter what and that things would be changing around here. It was late and he said we'd discuss rules the next day and that he thought this would be perfect for us. Boy did I luck out or what??

But I never told him what to do beyond that. I never mentioned what I needed help with. He just picked out a few potentially destructive behaviors and focused on them....like pouting when I'm mad. Like turning away from him. Like my instinct to run when something goes wrong. And I mean bolt. I've been held back more than once after a big fight while a sobbing, hysterical mess...keys in hand no less. But that was before DD. Now I know that won't fly. But there's more to DD then that. It's more than a "when we have a big fight" remedy. It's a lifestyle to be lived on an everyday basis. It's meant to help us both grow both individually and as a couple. And we have. But I finally sat down and wrote him a note, swallowing my pride, asking him for help is certain areas of my life.

1)Procrastination/ time management
2) Pill taking
3)Immediate obedience
4) Sticking to things

It started fine. In fact it started great. He was highly appreciative of my appropriate manner for once while coming to him with something that needs work. I included in there areas I would like him to improve but filled it with reassurances that he was stepping up and was helping me and him so much. He liked that.

He didn't really know what to do about the procrastination. He's military. He's a little busy and works everyday. He doesn't have a whole lot of time to do much during the day. Which is when I'm home by myself and stare at the ceiling in hopes of motivation just hitting me at some point (no pun intended) to get me to get up and do something, anything. And it usually takes until his phone call saying he'll be home in 15 minutes to get me up. Some things are done. But not nearly as much as should be.

We've got a kinda sorta plan for that.

Sticking to things and immediate obedience: No trouble there. He said we'll take care of those no issue. He said he has no problem stepping up and getting those under control.

Pill taking however, we hit a bump in the road. Quite a bump in my opinion. I get UTIs like freaking crazy. My doctor thinks it might be an internal issue because we are so careful with EVERYTHING and I still get them every few days. It's awful. And I can't go to the doctor for real or really again until we're married. Once we're married I'm covered by Tricare (military insurance) and everything will be free. But until then we are as broke as broke gets. Point being..the pills we do get need to be taken seriously. And once I don't feel symptoms so bad anymore I tend to forget that I'm supposed to take them.

I've never done well with pills. I hate them. So I avoid them and let them slip my mind. I asked for help. I swallowed my pride and asked for help and what does he say?

So I have to babysit you?

Say what now? Babysit? He tried to back track and say he meant "look after" and that I was right, it was his job to look after me and he'd get on me about it. But he kind of kept digging with that first hit. I don't remember his exact words because I was verrryyyy focused on holding my tongue, resisting that urge to storm off, but the essentially belittled my needs down to the level of being no more than a child. That wasn't what he was trying to say. But he STILL doesn't understand why his words cut me so.

I waited. I gave it a half hour or so and calmly went back and tried to explain my feelings about it. He was understanding and sorry at first. He was reassuring me that I'm not crazy, that he loves this lifestyle and has zero intention of ever leaving it. That I'm not a child. I don't act like one. I'm his partner. He takes care of me. But I couldn't shake it. He had said what he said and it hurt. It made me second guess everything he had said for the 4 or so months we've been doing this. Everything about how this lifestyle was working for us suddenly seemed like lies. I stayed calm but I did keep going. I pushed it. He got angry. And then angrier. He said I was being oversensitive and blah blah blah. Whatever. I was hurt.

I stopped about a centimeter shy of a spanking I'm quite sure. We went to bed fine. I took my pill and he made me count out how many were left so he could keep track. New rules were put into effect.

But even still...the next day....and he's at work...and still... I just can't help but think he didn't mean that just a little?

Progress..I didn't storm off. I kept my cool. I actually avoided punishment without too much leniency.

No progress...he said what?

Ugh.

Ash

keeping things at the forefront of our minds...

...is really quite painful for the one bent over the bed. Due to wanting to be more consistent and due to someone's snotty attitude (not me, couldn't be. I would never) David decided we were going to start maintenance. Something he once thought was unfair. He decided the first week was going to be everyday and then we'd let up from there moving on to every other day and again see where we're at after that week.

Now I think he missed the memo that maintenance isn't supposed to be that bad because let me tell you, sitting was a difficult task for a while. BUT to be fair, I think his goal was to punish me for the bad attitude and just didn't want to drag out an actual punishment so he called it something else so I wouldn't feel bad everyday. Sweet...I suppose. My backside begs to differ.

We're now on the week where it's every other day. Actually I believe we're on week two of that. I've got more important things to count down to. Like the trip home and the wedding :) I don't know what happened. I haven't been getting in a whole lot of trouble. He's been relatively consistent. Relatively. And I was getting maintenance and yet....yesterday didn't go well. I even had maintenance in the morning! But I don't know. Maybe it was good ol' Aunt Flow messing with my head but I just couldn't turn off the pouting which in this household is like...the biggest crime ever. And it was his day off no less after a 24 staff duty shift! Ugh...I felt awful. But I just couldn't shake it.

He tried instituting mandatory "sirs" with every sentence until the evening.

"You will not finish a sentence without a sir at either the beginning or the end. We're getting you to be respectful starting NOW."

"But but but..."

"But what?"

"But...sir?"

*I got a glare for that. Yes the answer was sir...but I wasn't supposed to be saying but."


But this didn't last long as my stubbornness took hold and I just refused to speak unless I absolutely had to. He gave up. But that just frustrated me more that he would just give up...

So I may or may not have gotten a bit worse. He went to give me some time to think about it in the bedroom.

"This is dumb"

"Oh is it? Why is that?"

"It won't work. Don't leave me here!"

Looking back I probably should have just taken the punishment as it was given but I was thinking about how bedroom time is the only punishment I ever got as a child and how it absolutely never worked. I wanted to be good and couldn't get there on my own and I knew this would be a waste of time. Arguing wasn't the way to do it though.

"Fine, you don't want to be comfortable in here with a bed? You want to be where I am? How about the dining room corner then. Head to the wall. NOW. And this isn't your only punishment."

Oh that's comforting.

Afterwords:

"Get ready."

"Get ready for what?"

"A spanking of course. You're not sorry."

"I'm sorry"

"Oh gee that was heartfelt. Over the bed, now."

HARDEST SPANKING EVER. Although he said he's spanked me harder. Either way I cried for a good half hour burying my head in his chest the whole time afterwords. In all honesty, that was more from feeling bad than anything else. I had ruined his whole day. I hurt him by distancing myself from him when he had been so sweet and patient trying to help me get out of my funk.

We went on to have a good night. We were watching the Walking Dead and this guy got the total shit beat out of him for abusing his wife. The next episode he was back at it and I stopped and questioned why on earth getting the shit beat out of him didn't make him think twice. David laughed...

"I feel like I should explain this. You're not..normal. I love that you're this way, but most people don't need something physical to let them feel forgiven. Again, I love that you're this way. Without it you would still be pouting. Tomorrow you would realize you were wrong and tell me that after work. But then feel bad and continue to pout about it. And it would be a while until we could be happy and normal again. But now look at us! I spanked you hard, you know you're completely forgiven and we move on and have a nice night. But people just aren't generally like that. I just got lucky." :)

Eh, he's got a point.

My once vanilla soon to be husband is no longer also.

Don't know how we got here but we were talking about if I died...but in a joking way. And this was his joking response.


"If you died I'd probably keep you around for a few days for sex and beatings."

"You're gross. You'd keep me to spank me and sex me up?"

"Hhaha yup."

"Oh officer I just found her like this this morning. What's that? Why's her ass all red? Well she fell on it and died of course"

"By your level of clumsiness people would believe it"

"Touche."

"So you like this lifestyle now then?"

"Always did. But now you've gone and changed me and you're stuck with  me like this. I like being HOH."

"But you said a month ago that you didn't need this and it was just for me."

"Not anymore. I'm always gonna wanna be able to smack you around." :)


I'm sooooo screwed. And loved. And safe. :)

Ash

Well hello newcomers!

I was literally days from deleting this blog and starting fresh and new until I woke up one morning and discovered I had several followers all at once. How freaking awesome.

So I welcome you! I'm terribly sorry. My blog has gotten off to a bumpy start and perhaps that has something to do with the bumpy start to DD.

It's been around four months I believe since we began DD and I wouldn't go back.

(Well I would...but only to redo and do it better. Round two anyone?)

As a lurker on many blogs I have found many tips and helpfuls to get us up to par...and it's working. Finally. We saw boot camp on several blogs and decided to give it a try. And by give it a try I mean we did try, and kind of failed, but it was totally David (my HOH)'s fault. No really it was. I swear. We did one day. It was meant to be two. Actually he wanted four days because he said it wasn't fair that his army boot camp last for eight weeks and he went through much worse. He said he would have rather just been beaten a little rather than do all the crap they had to do. I think he doesn't know what a spanking feels like.

We started strong. Or he did. I whined. The night before we had a nice dinner prepared by me. Which none of you know me, but I'm just learning to cook so that was a feat in itself. Then we discussed the rules. I had a huge problem with asking permission to use my phone and computer. THOSE ARE MY CHILDREN. And immediately managed to get them taken away the night before. Oooops...

We got through the one day just fine though. It was rough (for those of you yet to do it) but even the one day I saw changes between the two of us. I had been feeling neglected due to his inconsistency and that's why we wanted boot camp and also why we started maintenance. But after and even maybe during. Maybe. Hard to tell when your a$$ is red.

He was sick for it though. So he woke up in the morning on day 2 and said nope, I feel like hell. I can't properly beat you when I feel like this.

But it did make him more consistent. In fact I'm getting spanked tonight. Ooopss. Apparently PMS is not reason enough to tell him "no" every time he asks me to do something.

I may have asked for this lifestyle...but that doesn't mean I'm any good at it.

Oh and did I mention we're getting married in 5 weeks? That's probably important.



P.S. I encourage all you newcomers to check out my humor blog as well as this one. It's called "Thank God It's Friday"and is attached to this name.

Once again, welcome everyone! Thanks for checking out my blog!

Uh oh...he's getting better at this.

It's been a while since my first post and there's a reason for that. Actually there's two reasons for that. One is that I'm lazy. I've got my main blog for my friends and family to keep up with and since it's supposed to be nothing but a humor blog when I live in the middle of nowhere with nothing around me...it takes some thought sometimes. The second reason, however, is that David has suddenly gotten much better at this and until a few days ago I felt no reason to post because we were just arguing about it.

We had had a conversation a couple weeks ago about consistency and exploring new punishments. We were scrolling through Clint's blog to do so and had come up with newer ideas. Unfortunately for me it now means that he takes my computer when it's the reason I failed to keep up with housework and I now get put in the corner which is boring as hell. But the consistency part didn't stick for more than a day. And as most DD woman understand, when you do something wrong and it goes unnoticed you get frustrated and hurt. Well I took that and made things worse. Once I noticed I started testing him. I stopped locking the door entirely and I fought him on everything. All that occurred was him arguing back and not doing anything about it but going to sleep in a huff.

The worst thing I do to him is act like a baby when I get really mad. Ya know, completely shut down and turn away from him usually at night so I can just claim I'm tired and go to sleep feeling neglected. Yeah he hates that. So as a last straw of frustration I did that. And I worked it. I was whining up a storm all night and was driving him crazy and he did nothing.

When he woke up he said  "You do know you were a major brat last night right?"

"Yup"

"Reason for that?"

"You should know that." (oh I know but I was mad)

"Oh really? And what's that?"

"huff"

Eventually I caved and explained my frustrations with his level of consistency. To which he said we'd talk about later. Two days later is when we finally talked about it. He told me that I went about coming to him about something wrong. (No duhhhhh) And also that testing him was really wrong. And then I started arguing and that was really really wrong. And to all this he was going to give me 10 minutes in the corner and call it a day. At this point I knew I needed a spanking. I was feeling unloved that he wasn't willing to give me what I needed out of just not wanting to spank me right then. So I fought the corner. Which, I know, also wrong, but it got me exactly what I needed.

Over the bed I went and out came the dreaded fly swatter. (We lack any "real" implements but if you've ever felt the sting of the fly swatter you know it does the trick) But still he went pretty light and stopped at the first sign of me whining about it. He came up to do the part he's best at and hugged me and held me and rubbed my back and talked all soothingly to me but I was just mad. That wasn't all I needed and he should know that. If he doesn't want this then why doesn't he just tell me? Because he does want this. And suddenly I was hearing:

"Sweety? Sweety look at me. What's wrong? I didn't do it enough did I? Do you want more?"

I gave him a weird look. I did not *want* more but I did *need* more. So he clarified.

"No, I mean, do you need more? Talk to me baby. Tell me what you need."

I stayed quiet. But eventually just nodded and he figured it out.

"Alright I'll give you more. You know you can always ask me if you need more. You can always tell me what you need but you have to do it appropriately. I love you, now please come here. Come on now, over the bed"

And over the bed I went. And this time much harder. And he kept it up until I was full on sobbing. And then I was good. I felt so relieved. So loved. So cared for. So safe. I knew I was protected again. And I let it all out in his arms.

And then went back to the corner where I was supposed to go in the first place....lol.

Since then he's turned around 100%. He is in total HOH mode every second. He hasn't let any little thing slide. It's taking some getting used to as I've spent quite a bit of time in the corner now but I'm happy to see him trying so hard now.

We're starting boot camp this weekend. We'll see how this goes. I'm hoping it takes care of all our little issues if only for a short time.

And so it began..the intro

Hello Ladies and HOHs,

I have a blog I love to write and I keep it upbeat and funny. Unfortunately that is not the place for expressing how domestic discipline works in the lives of me and my HOH, so here I am joining the masses and hoping to make some friends who won't think I'm crazy for our lifestyle choice :)

I guess I'll do the basic lame introduction. I'm Ashley and my boyfriend's name is David and we started practicing DD about 2 months ago. Most people I see use letters to say who is who in this type of blog but our names are so ridiculously common that I don't think it's going to cause a massive privacy issue. We are young (I'm 19, he's about to turn 22) but shortly after moving in with him near the base he's stationed at (he's army in case you were wondering) I brought up my need for DD in my life and I was lucky enough to have a man who didn't hesitate. Seriously, not in the slightest. He jumped at it and said it was perfect for us.

And to be honest, it has been beyond perfect for us. Where most newly cohabiting couples are still in the intense fighting stage, we are doing just dandy. When fights arise it is quickly taken care of via communication and punishment. It has greatly opened up the lines of communication between us and I know I've never been more in love or felt so loved, safe, and secure.

We're still in the early stages though so input from anyone (productive input, not negative, judging comments of course) would be welcomed and much appreciated. We've set up our basic guidelines around our home and they are rather simple:

1. Get chores done
      *he generally leaves me a list before he leaves for work but regardless it's basic cleaning and vacuuming is to be done ever 2-3 days
2. Don't act like a baby
      *I'm the worst when it comes to acting my age when I'm upset, frustrated, or otherwise hormonal and                                it's the single most frustrating thing for him. I'm working on it...
3. Always lock the door after I come inside
4. Obey
      *pretty basic concept, hard to do. Just listen the first time I'm told. Probably the worst thing I do and the most often overlooked (much to my dismay) by HOH.
5. Respect
      *this goes along with obeying but just general respect. If there's an issue I am to come to him in an appropriate manner to discuss it.

That's pretty much it. I know a lot of couples have huge lists but we find keeping it simple does best for us. Though rules can be added at any time.

Today was quite obviously the start of us expanding on our knowledge of DD and putting it to use. Last night I made the mistake of procrastinating on the cleaning. He's working the night shift this week for rotation so evenings are when I'm doing the cleaning right now. Noise isn't an issue with most cleaning. I got all the quiet stuff done. But vacuuming is loud and would be rude to do after dark since we live in an apartment. I didn't take that into consideration when I was playing on facebook rather than cleaning and before I knew it it was near 11pm and much too late and he would be home at 6am. My first thought unfortunately was to lie about it. I assumed he'd notice and I figured I'd just insist I had done it. But I also know that with him I am impossibly bad at lying and he was going to notice and I'd be in trouble.

He actually didn't notice at all and in fact told me I had done a great job cleaning up. He never fails when it comes to compliments and making me feel appreciated for sure. But that just made me feel guilty knowing I hadn't done everything I was told to do. After a few hours I confessed. See what this lifestyle has done to me? Gahh. He appreciated the confession however I had indeed still not done it and also I should have told him immediately not hours after the fact. He had been reading up on how to properly lecture and that was obvious as he gently took me to the bedroom to discuss things. His lecturing was very good though from my end....ha not fun. We've never tried any punishments other than spanking and rather light ones at that. But today he said because the computer had been the issue my laptop would be off limits for a while as would any computer related activities on my phone...such as facebook.

Once again I made a mistake. I started to argue and complain and pout and insist he couldn't take away the use of anything on my phone. I was warned that he'd take my phone entirely and leave me to have some time in the bedroom (also a new one. He's been reading too much!). But I escalated my whining so much that he skipped that and moved to a spanking. He's gotten better. It hurt more but he was more loving with it than he's ever been before that I was better able to accept it and hold still and I only put my hand back once which is a problem for me. Any help there from anyone? Quite honestly, it was just the release I needed and I felt much better and more submissive to him immediately.

So apparently new punishment options are on the table. Goodie. Tonight I vacuumed and cleaned early and we have decided we are going to spend tomorrow reading up on DD because we firmly believe that the better we get at this, the better we are going to be as a couple.

Anywho, welcome to my new blog! I know this first entry was long but if you've made it here...good job! lol If you happen to stop by here introduce yourself! I'd love to hear from you :)

Toodles!
Ash