See I told you things go right most of the time.
But really things have been pretty bad and it's all my fault. Of course there were issues on both sides, mainly with what we were doing with D/s and DD and the main problem was that from my end it appeared he didn't really care whether we did it or not. Like I know he wants DD but D/s? That ones newer and while he likes it sometimes, other times he just seems out of his element. I still can't really get him to tell me what he wants but I think we've made some headway.
Regardless of the issues though, if I had handled them in a calm, respectful, submissive manor like I'm supposed to the large majority of our fights would never have happened. He's pretty good at remaining calm regardless of how he feels....I'm a female, however.
We decided to do a "Kick Start" weekend to sort of jump start our transition into more D/s and form a stronger relationship. Unfortunately he didn't do much to start with and I felt like he wasn't understanding nor wanting to understand what I was needing from him. This lead to me being very angry and *gasp* pulling the consent card. I told him I was done with it all. I know this may seem wrong to some, but I'm glad he did it: he ignored me. He took it as me needing all kinds of control from him and he was right. He took over entirely.
It's the strangest thing how certain things work. I never thought I could handle true humilation aspects of D/s but he through in a little and I think it's what really brought me around. He walked me through the house room by room, me still all sorts of messed up and covered with toys, tears streaming down my face, asking me "who's room is this." The answer was obviously "his." He walked me by the mirror and pointed out how pathetic I looked. And what the fuck do I do? I melt. That's what I do. I'm suddenly in awe of him and his power and feel more love than I've felt in months.
The fuck kind of sense does that make? I'm just accepting that I'm weird and moving on but seriously...weird.
Anywho, after that scene I had a bit of an epiphany of sorts. Oh I know, finally she gets her thoughts together. It's my blog, I'll take my time making rational thoughts, thank you very much. I realized that I've been being a horrible wife and sub. He was hurting because I was pushing him out. I was unhappy and instead of looking to see what I could change, I pointed out every single thing I felt he was doing wrong. Were there improvements he needed to make? Yes. Was there much more I could have done too? Oh hell yeah. I was panicking at all the power he was taking and I don't know why. It's what I wanted. And then when he pulled back too, I panicked ever more thinking he didn't love me enough to control me.
I know. I'm broken. Broken and weird.
But suddenly after coming into this kick start weekend it's been like a switch. I remembered why I love him. Why he's my best friend. Why he's so damn important to me. Why I was attracted to him in the first place. I focused and remember how much he loves me and how much I love him. And it's like this huge fog lifted. And now I can't let go of him.
I keep telling him "I need you." Meanwhile I'm crawling all up in his business and squeezing him tight, holding on to his body like he's about to freaking deploy or something. Now I've gone and went bananas in a whole new direction. But this one I think I can deal with because this one I'm happy doing. I'm fucking determined to be a good sub and a good wife. I'm determined to remember that my body is his and not fight him every step of the way. I'm determined to listen and do everything I can to be what he needs.
Of course I'm me. I'm bratty and sarcastic and a teency bti demanding. So this could be difficult. But I really really really want to work on it. In the mean time I'm going to stare longingly at my husband when he's too busy to be held and I'm going to hold on to this ridiculously strong love feeling that "love" doesn't cover.
It feels good.