A need for more

So it's been a while and there's good reason behind it. I think.

I'm still having trouble finding my words. I think I lost them.

See I'm still not comfortable getting into all the details of the D/s part of us. I want to keep mostly DD on here and out in the open like this. But DD is both a huge and small part of what we do and I'm not sure how to do that.

Right now I'm at a loss. I'm afraid that I need more control than my husband can give me. It seems every time I try to talk to him about wanting him to be more strict and taking more control and reading into the lifestyle for himself he says "oh yeah, I will." And then never does. He's made all sorts of comments illuding to more coming and then nothing comes.

Me: You don't have to have a reason behind everything you do. If you want to spank me just spank me, etc etc."

Him: You're going to regret saying that come tomorrow.

What happened 'tomorrow'? Nothing. He was super sweet all day.

And there's nothing wrong with sweet...except when more was promised. I don't always respond to sweet. Some times I want him to be a little rough around the edges. Sometimes I don't want him to care quite so much. That sounds terrible and I do want him to care but what I mean is when we get into spanking or anything else I don't want him stopping and saying "are you okay?" every few minutes. I don't want him to assume that my going into my "zone" during play means that something is wrong when it means everything is perfect. When I'm upset even, sometimes I don't want him to hold me and comfort me when I'm being ridiculous...I want him to take control. I want him to show me that he's in charge. He can handle it and that I'm being ridiculous.

I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy.

Terms like "master" and "slave" still scare the crap outta me. I don't want to be a slave. But I do want to be owned. I want to feel his control. I want to be his. All his. And I want to feel that at all times, not just during maintenance or during quick play.

I don't even know myself exactly what I'm looking for so that isn't helping. I guess it's a cross between more rules, more consistency, more strictness and just an overall confident, manly, demanding, in control demeanor. I want to venture further into the D/s realm.

Yup. I'm just crazy. And my craziness will never be fulfilled either because I can't voice it and it's too much to ask from someone who's just not as into this as I am. He doesn't really tell me what he's into. I don't really even know what he likes and doesn't.

He's obviously a spanko. He seems to enjoy torturing me sometimes and he does seem to like his role as HoH but past that? I have no idea. I don't know the ins and outs of him like I want to and no conversation seems to lead to that.

I can't work with him if he won't tell me anything. If he won't talk with me or say anything.

I want to grow in and deepen my submission to him and I just don't feel like I can right now. Not with his "oh that's nice" attitude towards everything. If he doesn't want my submission then there's nothing I can do about that.

I'm thinking maybe what we need is like a week or so or less or whatever of just really intense...everything. Just really strict. Really into the lifestyle. Kind of like a boot camp of sorts just to test out how we do and get us in motion. If we like it like that then we extend it. If not then we lessen things until we're comfortable. I don't know..

Eh.

Maybe I'm just being bratty and dictating.

Ash