I've been reading a lot of posts lately about feminism and how it fits into the whole "submission" thing. I've never been part of the whole feminism thing. I hate listening to women as they complain about "stupid men" and changing and fixing the "stupid men." That's just not me. I've worked. I've worked hard. I've been independent and really I still am. But despite not getting on the whole "I am woman, hear me roar" train, I still think about how others view me as a submissive wife.
There's a key difference between submitting due to feeling like you don't have a choice and submitting because you actually choose to. I choose to submit. I want to submit. I asked for this lifestyle and I meant it. Very very very few people know about how I live my life with my husband and they have mostly all been fine with it. But I hear plenty of others speak and know just a few words in that they would not be accepting of my choosing to submit to my husband because they just wouldn't see it that way. I don't submit to him simply because he is a man but because he is my husband. None of you know me but if you did you would never guess me to be as submissive as I am. I have a low tolerance for stupidity and I let that be known...often...loudly. I roll my eyes. I tell people off. Sarcasm is my first and possibly only language. That type of personality I am complely aware is not usually considered conducive to a submissive lifestyle. But that's what I live. And that's who I am. I submit to one man. One man only. No one else. Just my husband.
It's not to say that it's easy though and apologize but I'm going to start rambling now. David has just started being essentially every thing I've needed and been asking for and I'm completely terrified. Not of him of course, but of getting exactly what I wished for. Submission is a lot like skydiving. Once you are up in the plane there's no other option but to just jump...or perhaps fall. It's going to be the most amazing thing you've ever done in your life but holy moly it's going to be scary. And you really don't know quite where you're going to land in the end.
It's the same with submission. I love it. I need it. I crave it. More like I crave his dominance and control. I want it so terribly bad but that doesn't mean that as I discover the true depth of my submission to him that I don't freak out a bit. Because I sooo am. I'm coming to discover just how much I need this. I didn't realize exactly how submissive I was until now. But it's also terrifying to watch as your control is taken from you...even if that's what you want. Suddenly David is the perfect Dom. He's saying all the right things and expecting all the right things and doing all the right things. He asked some very personal questions yesterday and I answered and then said "I want my privacy." He responded with "who's privacy?" Oh yeah...his. When I've whined that he's touching me too much or in the wrong places or something's hurting a bit in a way I don't like he says "Yeah well it's mine so I can." As we venture further into D/s there's been some things that yes..I want it, but man...it's harder to obey those things than I thought. In an effort to use terms that any vanilla people that come across this blog won't understand I'm going to use Rogue's, from Rogue's awakening, term "KK." I have to wear one now. 5 hours a day minimum. He actually had said three at first and then I showed him some reading material on it and he upped it to five before day one even started. I thought it would be easy. I was so wrong. I feel instantly vulnerable and submissive and a little humiliated. All good things but not easy to accept. I was supposed to wear it even outside the house but I did once and I freaked and he said we could ease into it.
Then I felt like a bad sub. And today I really feel like a bad sub because because of it I didn't have a lot of time to wear one today and asked for the day off. First off, I was bitchy about asking. He said he needed to think about it in an effort to show me that it really is his decision. And I huffed. Second, if I would have just maned up a bit I could have done it for him today.
I'm going to stop rambling now.
Ash.
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