I swear things are usually good..

But I tend to write when I'm upset or angry.

This is unfortunately no exception.

This just happened so I may be extra upset but...I'm fuming. So I had an incident with the puppy. I was on a cleaning spree today and wanted to get Sammy washed before cleaning up the bathroom he was sure to make a mess out of. I severely underestimated his strength and disdain for water. He WOULD NOT cooperate. At all. He's apparently too big for me to handle now and things got bad. He wouldn't stay put and caused a huge mess and a glass cup to break. I had bopped him repeatedly and he just ignored it. David always says I don't hit hard enough. Sammy usually thinks I'm still playing. This time was different. I had bopped him hard but not too hard but I just lost it and  bopped him HARD. I didn't mean to and I immediately burst into tears. He was fine. He started kissing me and stayed close to me. After making a little worse flooding in the bathroom I let him free. But I was sobbing.

This may sound small...but I had a slightly abusive Dad. He never did much but when he got really angry I knew to run. I felt right there like I was becoming my father. And to top it off we're trying to have a child and I just panicked. I felt like I broke. I felt like I'd lost all control and couldn't handle anything.

David has always complained that I don't call him when I'm upset. I don't want to interupt him at work so I never bother him while he's there. I just cry to myself and move on but he told me recently that I definitely need to call him when I'm upset. So I did. I texted him "I need you :(" He called and I was hysterical but I tried to explain. He only let me get a few mumbled words out before he started accusingly saying "What did you do??" I kept just saying "I feel bad" and he comes at me accusingly? Then he just hangs up, bolts out of work despite everyone around him asking questions and such and I call him back. I tell him again I'm fine and Sammy's fine and I don't want him to come home. I just needed his voice was all. He said it was too late and he was coming home to see what happened.

When he got home he seemed annoyed that he came home but I told him not to. He kept asking what happened and when I explained (including the part about my Dad) he laughed and said I was being ridiculous. I shut down after that. But he continued on about leaving work and that I should have communicated better. I don't know what else I could have done and I told him so. I told him he over reacted and it's not my fault he came home. I told him not to. I told him I was fine. He said I shouldn't have called him at all then. I reminded him of his prior request and he didn't seem to know what to say. I was just mad and pulled away. I told him he should have asked me to calm down...should have helped me speak rather than accused and left work.

He spanked me. For being disrespectful.

I wasn't in the mindset for that. I submitted but I was fuming and it changed nothing. He was full HoH mode which is good and all but I was too far gone, too pissed.

He left saying my attitude better change by the time he gets home.

I'm at a loss.

If he had spanked me saying it was to calm us both down rather than for discipline then maybe I would have responded better but I don't feel I was very disrespectful. I feel I was belittled and accused. I feel hurt. I feel like running away like I always used to. I'm not...but I sure want to. Now I've lost focus of all the things that need doing. I don't care about anything. I'm just mad.

And I don't know how to fix it.

This just sucks.