And the walls came tumbling down..

Once upon a time I was very strong and independent person.

I've had nothing but long distance relationships. I could never count on someone being right there to have my back. I had to handle anything that came my way on my own. I had few friends and I liked it that way. My parents weren't exactly my pals to say the least. I spent my years running away or hiding out in the depths of my room. I knew how to take care of myself and I did so well.

During my one semester of college I had 18 credit hours and worked 50-60 hour work weeks. After I quit school I moved up to 70 hour weeks. I can handle myself. I can work for myself. I can pay my own bills and do what it takes to survive on my own.

I spent that time building up walls, putting dead bolts on the doors and boarding up the windows. I trusted no one and made that clear. One of my exes can attest to that as I may have said it to him a time or ten. I needed no one. Ever.

And then along came David. Again, he was safe because he was far away. He was stationed in Germany when we started talking. Despite having actually gone to the same high school I had only barely heard of him before that. He gone and he wasn't coming back any time soon. His next stop was deployment. We started dating in the middle of it after having talked as a couple for nearly a year and a half prior to that. He went on leave, he left, he went on leave, he left. And you know what? I was fine. Sure, it sucked but I didn't practically keel over because of it. I was used to being on my own and it didn't bother me. During deployment I often couldn't talk to him. It's the nature of the job. Ever heard the saying "The Army is my husband's mistress and sometimes that bitch gets all the attention" ? Yeah. It's true. But I got over it then.

Suddenly he's in the states and I find myself moving to be with him and within a month I'd confessed to wanting and needing DD in my life. At the start of it it didn't change much. He still left for rotation and I was completely fine. A bit bored at that point because I lacked a job or friends in the area but emotionally just peachy.

Next thing you know we really get into DD and he starts tearing at my boards and chains and yanking them down piece by piece. And I let him. More easily than I thought. I become vulnerable to him....weak to him. He takes control and I love it. I fall to him. Cling to him. I need him and it's heaven.  He takes me by the hand to help me relearn everything using his direction.

And then he has to leave again. And it's like I'm standing there uncovered. Naked, no longer shielded from the world as he's stolen my walls. And see I can't put them back up because I've forgotten how to use a hammer and nails by myself.

And I'm just stuck.

This was a really long metaphor to say essentially what I said yesterday. I was just hoping to make it sound at least slightly less pathetic.

Things are getting a little better. He came home for about an hour to shower up and such this morning and it fixed my day. But now he has absolutely no service and I pretty much can't talk to him until Monday evening. But I have plans filling my whole weekend to get my through. It's just the weekend now. I can do this. Walls or no walls. I'll figure it out....I used to be independent. I used to be strong. I used to take care of myself and it went off without a hitch. Well that last part is false but who handles everything perfectly anyway?

Point is. I did it before. I can do it again.

But just watch this attitude get me spanked when he comes home...

Ash