Guess what stupid thing I did..

You'll never believe it.

Well if you knew me you wouldn't.

In fact I'm having trouble believing it myself but my sore bottom seems to be making it a bit easier to remember.

I guess you could say I finished the year off with a bang. Many of them to be more precise. 

Maybe it's a sign that a lot has changed in this last year. Especially the last 7 months living DD style. Let's start with things that have happened this year before I get to the big shebang. 

1. I quit school.

2. I moved from Missouri to Louisiana. 

3. I told my fiance about DD and started the lifestyle.

4. I was a brat.

5. Then I married my dear HOH and the love my life.

6. I was a brat.

7. We decided to try for a child.

8. I was a brat.

AND THEN

Drum roll please...

I grew up a little? Maybe? Well it's a start.

Want to know the crazy, stupid thing I did?

I wrote a note on my phone to David saying...ahem.."I'm feeling bratty and upset and I'm trying not to be outright disrespectful but it's getting too hard. I need help.." And wouldn't ya know he did?

There you have it folks: I got a hefty spanking brought on by none other than yours truly. What was I thinking? It lasted for almost an hour I think. I sorta lost track of time somewhere in there but it took a long time. And I cried right at the end. That is indeed what I needed, what I was after. But my God does it have to hurt that much to find a peaceful end???

The whole time I was thinking "what the hell did I get myself into? Why did I do this? Why did I essentially ask him for this? Okay okay, I've had enough!" He didn't stop though. No matter how much I whined he didn't stop. He didn't let up. And that's good. I think.

No it is...I know it is a good thing. But grrr it hurts. Red's kind of a celebratory color right? 

Happy New years eve? From my ass to yours?

No that's not right...

Is it midnight yet? Getting married makes you old and sleepy I think. 

Ash

PS. I still vote you visit my humor blog. http://oh-its-her.blogspot.com/  DOOO ITTT. More traffic might influence me to find more time to write. :)

baby plans in the works

Yes, you heard right. We are now planning to try to have a child. We are waiting until March so we can be certain David can reenlist as planned but as long as that goes as he is told it will then we will start trying for a baby. And since my parents as well as everyone in my family as well as David's family can get pregnant just walking past each other in the hall we're pretty sure it won't take long. But I have some concerns about it.

I've struggled with an eating disorder since I was 12 and went into recovery around age 17. I'm now 19. Everything seems to be normal for the most part in my system now but I'm just worried that it may have an impact on how quickly we can conceive. Nonetheless, I'm excited. He's excited. It just seemed like the right time. We are indeed real young but we are at a post right now that David cannot deploy from and it's fenced in and we've already been informed that we are stuck here until 2 years is up....which is kind of a while from now. After here we're using reenlistment to get us to Germany which we've already been told is most likely going to happen. Well I don't know about you, but I'm a bit terrified at the thought of having my first child in a different country and very possibly while my husband is deployed. A second child? Sure. But my very first? No thank you. Not when we have the option to do otherwise.

I've gotten a little prematurely excited. I've always wanted nothing more than to be a mother so hearing that we can try for that soon kind of set my googling fingers in motion. Do you know how much a crib costs???? I did not. But I'm looking into it all now. I think I need a basal thermometer.

We picked some names we like last night. It was more of a struggle than we expected. The name he likes his sister took (Chloe) and the name I liked for freaking ever his brother took (Ellie). So we've come up with these:

Boys:
Aiden James
Jadon Andrew

Girls:
Eliana Marie
Elise Marie

Ya like?

I am a little concerned and such about how DD will fit in with all this. Obviously I am aware that most couples have kids and have practiced DD just fine but how do you do it when you're pregnant? And afterwords, how do you keep it up with kiddies in the house?

I am in search of any and all advice regarding getting pregnant, pregnancy, child rearing, and DD WITH KIDS.

HELP?

:)

I'm off to google.

Ash

So I've changed things a bit...and have a question

Perhaps a lot a bit. The name as well as just about everything else has changed. I felt it was necessary.

Also I have a question.

Essentially here's the thing: I don't know that I'm always testing my husband but more like I'm realizing my loss of control and attempting to hit the "go back" button. I've found that now that he's stepped up I'm getting in trouble even more...not because he's stepped up but because I've gotten worse. Seriously. I've been spanked every night for probably the last 2 weeks and made maintenance worse pretty much every time. I'm really just curious if I'm alone on this one or not?

As soon as I feel he's truly stepped up I'm happy. And then moments later I realize he really is in control and I'm not. Then I kind of internally panic.

"What am I doing?"

"What have I gotten myself into?"

"That's a stupid rule. And I'm a grown woman for pete's sake! I'll do it anyway."

So you see my downfall....

I start thinking it's all silly and that I really don't need any of this so why follow any of the rules? I'm an adult. I can act like one on my own.

And it's true, I can. But sometimes I need a little help. I know that. And most days I crave the control he has. I crave his authority and want nothing more than to please him and submit to him. Almost everyday I wake up with that feeling. But then I go temporarily insane and think I don't need it and I'm crazy and weird to have wanted it in the first place. So I start breaking rules on purpose in an attempt to gain back some control and am met with a spoon...did I mention he got himself a wooden spoon? I dislike it. No that's not strong enough...I loathe with every part of my body (especially my ass) that damn spoon.

It's now reserved for when I get too loud or move too much.

But anywho, does anyone else ever get like this? I know I want this lifestyle and I never want it gone but sometimes I just have to plead temporary insanity because I suddenly go nuts for control.

I had a boyfriend once, well you can hardly call him that because it lasted all of two weeks, but regardless I was breaking up with him. I was mad and refusing to answer his calls. I was, however, calming and about to call him back when he sent me a text saying:

"I demand you to answer your phone now. That is an order Ashley."

Oh boy, that was the end of that. I broke up with him then and there. Over text no less. You order me?? You demand me? Ha! No way.

I had just been on instant messenger with a very good friend however...yes during the whole mess...and he was just watching this all unfold. I had a different relationship with this friend and he ordered me around all the time. The next thing he said was "I order you to go to bed now. NOW." And he laughed when I followed his directions with a smirk and a goodnight.

It takes a certain kind of man to make me listen. And there's very few of those. There's a select few I would still listen to. But not like I do my husband. But even those I listen to...whew...I give them a run for their money.

Oh boy, submission is hard.

Ash

pms tamed...maybe

Aunt Flow came to visit with a vengeance. Such a vengeance actually that we ended up at the hospital, but..another story for another time. Anywho, PMS thought it'd take over my body including the rational part of my brain. 3 days ago I got in trouble for attitude. Minor, but nonetheless, a punishment spanking. 2 days ago was a much needed maintenance that didn't really stick. Yesterday...well yesterday was rough.

"Will you be a good girl today?" He asked before I'd even opened my eyes in the morning.

"Of course." I told him. I had every intention to, too.

"Will you be a good girl today?" He asked during breakfast.

"Um yeah. Sure I will." Losing confidence...

"Will you be a good girl for me today while I'm gone?" he asked as he walked out the door for work.

"We'll see." Too many damn questions. 

I honestly was good most the day. My chores were done mostly before 1pm as the rule requests. I had a fairly good attitude too even after he got home and through dinner.

And then PMS took over again.

No. I Won't. You can't make me. Just leave me alone. Don't touch me. I'm not talking to you.

He tried to throw me some lifelines...he knew it was PMS...but I didn't take them. I 100% ignored them actually. I stuck my tongue out at one as a matter of fact.

"On your stomach. NOW." 

"NO"

"NOOWWW."

*pout*

OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH etc

*5 mins later*

"We're really doing this again? Already? Back on your stomach."

OUCHESSSSSS

"Can I move now?" I whined.

"Actually now you can't. You will stay still until I say you can move."

10 seconds pass...

"Please can I now?"

"NO, don't ask again."

"...please??"

"Corner. Now."

He left the room for a bit to calm down.

"You've taken spankings, corner time, lectures....nothing's working so you're going to bed now. I don't want to see that phone light up again or I'm taking it. No computer. No netflix. No getting out of bed without asking."

I don't know why it took so long but his disappointment finally set in in my mind. I started to cry and apologized. He did too. He said he was sorry he had to do all this but I just wouldn't listen and he has to do this for me and for us to make us stronger. He was right.

In the morning I still couldn't get out of bed. Still no phone or computer or anything else. Not until after he went to pt and after he came home and had a shower and breakfast and was about ready to leave for work.

Now it's time for maintenance again. I kept my attitude in check today. But maybe PMS needs the reminder anyway...just in case.

Ugh...I don't feel good. Stupid cramps! You'd think all this spanking would make them not so bad!

Ash

But officer, perhaps you didn't see my age?

As children we accepted rules and consequences as just a part of life. If you threw a tantrum as a toddler you may have been placed in time out. If you ignored curfew as a teenager you may have been grounded or perhaps lost the privileges to your car for a time. But we all live by rules do we not? The Bible states ten of them for everyone to abide by for their entire lives. No one is exempt regardless of how they feel about said rules. There are laws we all must consider in our day to day lives from speed limits to killing. We do not outgrow a need for rules and standards. We do not age beyond the need to accept them either. “But officer, perhaps you didn’t see. I’m actually 37, that seat belt law doesn’t apply to me.” You can try it, but it will not work. “But Your Honor, you must have missed that I’m 25 now so you needn’t punish me for killing that man.” These sound silly, do they not? We may not live in perfect peace and harmony, but what a world we’d live in if not for rules and standards to distinguish between right and wrong. And how worse off would we be with no system of consequences for not following them.

So then is it so ridiculous a thought to allow your partner in life, the one wants nothing short of the best for you, to create rules for you within your relationship for your own safety and wellbeing as well as for the wellbeing of your relationship with them? Of course there already are a few placed by society such as not cheating on your spouse. And would you think it wrong of him to punish you by leaving you if you were to do such a thing? Without consequence you’d learn it was acceptable to do repeatedly. It’s common practice to punish your spouse in this way for such an act. Without this rule and without this consequence the very foundation of the relationship is shaky and it poses risks for the future of the relationship. But what about smaller crimes? Is it safe to say that there are differences from couple to couple? That for one it might mean nothing to keep a kitchen full of unwashed dishes, but for another it could be a crack in the relationship’s foundation? I believe so. And if that’s the case is it more damaging to impose a rule stating that the dishes are to be washed after mealtime or to ignore it and the crack grow larger over time? And of course cops don’t let minor speeding infractions go unnoticed simply because it’s not a large enough crime to take you to jail and so is the same with minor infractions within a marriage. You wouldn’t leave your spouse because she failed to clean up the dishes after dinner one night. So what are you to do?

As we’ve decided, we don’t outgrow the need for rules and consequences. And just as laws and punishments are created to keep peace and harmony in a larger fashion, rules and punishments should be used within a marriage. So referring to those dishes: You can’t very well put your spouse in jail for such a thing nor would it make any sense to charge them like a speeding ticket. That’s both of yours’ money. Are you going to take money from yourself to punish your spouse? I think not. So what exactly are you to do? You cannot do anything without a blanket consent but with that you can use more traditional methods.

So we don’t want a crack in our foundation so we don’t want small crimes to go unnoticed. One option is to then spank the wife who didn’t do the dishes as told. “Spanking? You’re kidding? That’s for naughty children!” Didn’t we just decide that we don’t outgrow our need for consequences? And are you aware of the benefits of spanking a woman? Disregarding the relationship benefits we’ll focus on those for just the woman. It sets our hormones back in balance. We often get cranky during PMS and a spanking will knock you right out of that mode. It eases cramps and relieves stress. It gives a feeling of protection and love as well as forgiveness for whatever crime we committed. It can help with the treatment of anxiety and depression and simply get you back about your senses.

Now for the relationship benefits: It gives you both a sense of closeness and connection. It gives a clean slate and with a painful reminder to do as told the wife then thinks twice about not doing those dishes thus keeping that crack from growing. There are of course other options such as corner time and such for more minor infractions. This lifestyle opens up the lines of communication and brings about a closeness that can’t be denied. You each have your roles within the relationship and they are defined. There is no power struggle. And of course the benefits to the man are that that he feels respected and thus becomes more respectful towards his wife. Would you consider it demeaning for a husband to expect that his wife not text and drive? She could be seriously injured or killed! Would it then be best to sit and let anger drive you with nothing to do about it if she decides to ignore a rule that could save her life? Or would it be better to spank her and hold her after, letting her know that it’s wrong and that it’s wrong because you love her and care about her safety. And as a wife, would you respect the husband that wasn’t concerned enough about your safety to intervene when you are doing something possibly dangerous?

Of course, there’s much more to the lifestyle that I haven’t went about explaining but the point being that we don’t age beyond the need to feel the protection that rules and consequences provide so why is it such a crazy idea for a husband to have rules for his wife that keep her safe and healthy and their relationship stable and happy?

Rules and consequences: we all have them whether they are laws and penalties put upon us by the police and justice system or commandments from the Bible or even punishments doled out by a boss at work. When did marriages become exempt from rules that create peace? I don’t know about you but I’d rather take a spanking than crack the foundation of my marriage.

And you can have that with domestic discipline. Not so crazy after all, huh?

This is simply something I decided to write in defense of DD. I hate hearing that as wives, we should be too old to be punished and having our relationships compared to that of a parent/child relationship. I suppose it does no good on a DD blog connected with only other DD blogs but this is the only place I really have to put it besides sitting on my hard drive. I would love to hear what you all think of it and constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged. 

Ash

Rebellion Squashed

So we had a talk and I think we're back on track.

After maintenance 2 days ago I couldn't shake the pouting afterwords. I was crabby and bratty and refusing to speak which only served to anger him. I didn't know what was going on but he was demanding an answer so I just shut down. It was like I'd lost all control over my ability to speak and form full thoughts. He asked if I needed more. I did. That I'm sure of. But like hell was I going to tell him. Not when I'm that angry, that upset, that hurt and without a clue why. Stubborn took over.

Finally after about 45 minutes of this he calmed and looked at me and said "Are you trying to figure out how to explain something or are you just ignoring me?"

"Trying."

"Then I'll wait" And so he laid there looking at me and I looked back with a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings until I finally got some out.

First I explained my biggest thing: He asked if I needed more and even though I know I'm supposed to answer yes when I do I just needed him to make that judgement call on his own sometimes.

"I hate that I need the things that I do so I can't bring myself to ask for them."

He looked at me with a mix of sternness and sweetness and told me that he felt like the luckiest guy in the world having a girl who needs the things that I do. He spent a good few minutes reassuring me that no matter what anybody else thinks, he loves me and loves our lifestyle, that I'm not weird and that he'd be super bummed if ever I truly decided I didn't want DD anymore.

Suddenly it was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders even though I already knew most of what he said. Sometimes I just get it in my head that I can't be normal and why would he love me if I'm not normal? So I get lost and tongue tied and what I really need is for him to take control again.

After that we discussed what I had in my last post: the fact that I can't seem to stop testing him. I realized my pouting had little to do with him and more to do with being aggravated with myself for being unable to stop testing and I told him so. He said he somewhat understood, "So we're married now and you're retesting your boundaries and limits. In that case I'm going to squash this rebellion."

And he did.

Last night.

Hard.

Once again I was testing. I hadn't finished any of my chores the other day because he surprised me by coming home from the field early and I guess since I'm used to having chores only when he's at work I didn't think about needing to get them done while he was there. But he understood that he kept me occupied and was lenient. He said I was to get my chores for that day done as well as the chores for the next day all during the next day. And after my bratty testing he decided to add in some additional chores. I don't know why I said it but I said it:

"I'm not doing it."

"Let's here you say that again."

"I'm not doing it!" What am I stupid? I plead temporary insanity.

"Okay. Take off your pants."

"I take it back! I take it back!"

"So you're going to do all the chores tomorrow? And you know if you don't you'll get a red bottom when I get home and still have to get them done?"

"Er...yes?"

"No worries babe, I know what you mean. You don't want to take it back. Either way you're getting a spanking now so you might as well say what you mean." When did he get so HOHy? "Now go to the corner. NOW."

I saw what I thought was an opportunity after the corner and I ran for a big hug full I've tears and 'I'm sorrys'. No such luck. He turned on the bath tub and the fan. (We live in an apartment so to block out the noise of swats for the neighbors when make more noise to cover it up.)

"I don't know if you're really sorry now but you're going to be. Over the bed now. I'm not doing this how you like it. I'm doing it with the way it hurts and the way it's uncomfortable"

He saw I looked scared so he calmed a bit. Not that he wasn't calm then. He just was very stern and switched to a very loving tone. "I'm still right here, baby. It's still me spanking you. There's no reason to be scared. I love you and I'm still close to you. Not as close as over the knee (the way I like it) but I'm still right here." He rubbed my back and began spanking just with his hand.

"Do you understand why I'm doing this?" I nodded.

"Do you think I'm being fair?" I didn't want to admit it but yes so I nodded.

"Good. I told you I'm going to squash this rebellion and I am right now. You need to be thinking about how you talked to me, that you need to be respectful, and that you shouldn't be hitting me." I hadn't actually hit him and I never can hit hard. At all. No ones ever complained about my hitting them. But he decided it's a matter of respect and made a rule that one hit results in a severe spanking. I refrained all day but he thought he'd add that in there to make a point for the future. I really did feel bad. I'd completely disregarded his feelings in all of this and disobeyed time after time and the quick swats he gave me each time just didn't have any effect so I did something I've never done before.

I started sobbing after he'd spanked only with his hand after all of maybe 4 or 5 swats. In all honesty he's never been sexier or manlier than he was right then. I expected him to give into me since I was crying so soon but he didn't. He was determined to make a point and didn't let up until he thought it was memorable enough for it to serve as a reminder for the future. He was determined to squash the rebellion. And I believe he did. He broke two flyswatters over my ass. Granted they are like 95 cent fly swatters and we usually go through one every week or so as it is because they are crap but two in one night was indeed memorable. And I respected him for it. I still do. And that was his point. He looked so strong and in control and I realized last night that he really is all the time and I shouldn't be testing I should be trusting. He really does always have my best interest in mind. Always.

I couldn't help but immediately falling into his arms when it was done. I usually take a couple minutes to process things before I give in to his consoling and hug on him. But this time it was immediate and I sobbed and repeated 'I'm sorry' over and over. He reassured me of his love as always and told me it's a clean slate now. No need to keep apologizing, it's all over and done with.

And I guess it is. But now I need to get back to those chores. I already have maintenance tonight. I don't need another punishment on top of it. It already hurts to sit.

DD is sometimes a bit messy and sometimes it hurts. But it's always worth it.

Ash

Oh the married life..

So we're married! And boy my ass is sore!

Nobody give me alcohol. EVER. See I'm a lightweight. 5'2" and just over 100lbs and rarely drink anything. So one and a half Mike's later and I'm trashed. Seriously. I barely remember last night. That wasn't our wedding night mind you. I'm 19 and though promised, nobody bothered to bring me any alcohol for our wedding night and David had already been drinking too much to take me to get some. Can I turn 21 already?

Maybe that'd be bad. More access to alcohol is not what I need. I don't know what all I did last night but I do remember feeling strangely brave and testing every last thing he said.

I recall one incident quite well. He hates when I hit him. I can't hit hard and it usually just tickles him which is infuriating to me. Seriously! I'm mad at you over here and you're giggling like a 13 year old girl! Ugh! But usually I'm just trying to pester him anyway as I was last night so I didn't care if it hurt or not. I was barely tapping him in my drunken state but a rule's a rule and he's become quite consistent in the past couple weeks. I hit his leg 20 times all the while laughing to myself. When I was finished he said "Alright honey, you've had your fun, now that's enough." I apparently took it as a challenge. Who gave me this alcohol anyway? I started again. Nearing 10 he told me to "Knock it off" in no uncertain HoHy terms. I ignored. At 17 I paused as he finished saying "If you reach 20, then I reach 20." Knowing what that means I didn't wish to hit 20...but I did wish to hit 19. Apparently that was close enough. I got 20 with the stupid flyswatter.

Thats the only one I clearly remember but I got it a lot last night. I know that for sure. I guess because it didn't hurt so bad I thought it a good time to push limits. I failed to think about this morning when I would wake up with a very sore rump. Stupid, stupid me...


Also, the week leading up to our wedding was interesting. We were staying at my parents' house and they know nothing of DD. Well I tried starting an explanation to my mom with little eases into it, but when she got all annoyed at him giving me an 11pm off the phone rule, even with a funny story attached, (It's different if it vibrates though right?) I thought it best to not venture into any further explanations. So that left us with no real way to go about our lifestyle. And I took full advantage. Which pissed off David to the point that he FOUND a way to punish me. We simply went to the garage for spanking in the middle of the night. And I don't know what my problem was but I COULD NOT SIT STILL. I was literally terrified and I don't know why at all. There was nothing to be scared of. He was barely spanking me because he was worried about sound and there I was trembling and sobbing. I didn't feel it at all 2 minutes later. He had to stop and try to put me back in position time and time again and to attempt to console me when he realized just how scared I was.

So that led to 2 days before our wedding getting the question: Do you not want DD in our marriage?

What?

Of course I do! It works wonders for us!

He agreed and said he doesn't want it to go away because he feels it keeps our love strong but that he didn't understand my reactions to the 2 spankings at my parents.

I didn't either. I still don't. What's wrong with me?

The car ride home after the wedding was rough too. Well really just the last few hours. It was a long drive okay! Ha. And the next morning I paid for it. And once again freaked.

He decided it's just because we've been away from it for too long since we're used to maintenance every other day. We started that back up again and despite my bratty attitude...the freak outs have stopped. But I guess even a week of near freedom put me into some sort of funk because I've been testing everything and can't seem to get myself to stop.

I feel dumb. I'm not thinking before I act at all. I seldom do but I'm so much worse right now.

And it's not helping that I'm getting constant UTI's and can't do anything about them until we get the paperwork filled out so I can get on military insurance. And it's rotation. And it's not happening any time soon. It took a week for the stupid marriage license to get here and now it's rotation.

OMG.

Okay I need a nap.
I'm done rambling.

Toodles
Ash

Babysitting- progress or no?

I held my tongue.

I resisted the (very strong) urge to stomp off to the bedroom and bury my head under the covers and pout.

I (mostly) kept my tone calm.

I watched myself get very close to punishment and manage to stay just shy of it. For once.

So that's progress right?
Right..?

On my end I suppose. But I think there was some backsliding on his part.

I swallowed my pride. There's things I need to work on that have always been problems for me. When I first brought DD to him I didn't explain much of anything. I told him I had things saved in the bookmarks section of my computer and that it was the only thing open on it while I was at work and then told him not to look. Although that last part was an afterthought when the realization of "Oh holy hell what did I just do? He's going to think I've lost what little sanity I had left." But he looked. Of course he looked. Who wouldn't after an opener like that?

I had some old blogs in there. Not mine of course, some others. From like 2007. I didn't know there were so many of us at the time. I just found the one and ran with it. I got home from work and he comforted me, told me I wasn't crazy, and all that jazz. He told me he loved me no matter what and that things would be changing around here. It was late and he said we'd discuss rules the next day and that he thought this would be perfect for us. Boy did I luck out or what??

But I never told him what to do beyond that. I never mentioned what I needed help with. He just picked out a few potentially destructive behaviors and focused on them....like pouting when I'm mad. Like turning away from him. Like my instinct to run when something goes wrong. And I mean bolt. I've been held back more than once after a big fight while a sobbing, hysterical mess...keys in hand no less. But that was before DD. Now I know that won't fly. But there's more to DD then that. It's more than a "when we have a big fight" remedy. It's a lifestyle to be lived on an everyday basis. It's meant to help us both grow both individually and as a couple. And we have. But I finally sat down and wrote him a note, swallowing my pride, asking him for help is certain areas of my life.

1)Procrastination/ time management
2) Pill taking
3)Immediate obedience
4) Sticking to things

It started fine. In fact it started great. He was highly appreciative of my appropriate manner for once while coming to him with something that needs work. I included in there areas I would like him to improve but filled it with reassurances that he was stepping up and was helping me and him so much. He liked that.

He didn't really know what to do about the procrastination. He's military. He's a little busy and works everyday. He doesn't have a whole lot of time to do much during the day. Which is when I'm home by myself and stare at the ceiling in hopes of motivation just hitting me at some point (no pun intended) to get me to get up and do something, anything. And it usually takes until his phone call saying he'll be home in 15 minutes to get me up. Some things are done. But not nearly as much as should be.

We've got a kinda sorta plan for that.

Sticking to things and immediate obedience: No trouble there. He said we'll take care of those no issue. He said he has no problem stepping up and getting those under control.

Pill taking however, we hit a bump in the road. Quite a bump in my opinion. I get UTIs like freaking crazy. My doctor thinks it might be an internal issue because we are so careful with EVERYTHING and I still get them every few days. It's awful. And I can't go to the doctor for real or really again until we're married. Once we're married I'm covered by Tricare (military insurance) and everything will be free. But until then we are as broke as broke gets. Point being..the pills we do get need to be taken seriously. And once I don't feel symptoms so bad anymore I tend to forget that I'm supposed to take them.

I've never done well with pills. I hate them. So I avoid them and let them slip my mind. I asked for help. I swallowed my pride and asked for help and what does he say?

So I have to babysit you?

Say what now? Babysit? He tried to back track and say he meant "look after" and that I was right, it was his job to look after me and he'd get on me about it. But he kind of kept digging with that first hit. I don't remember his exact words because I was verrryyyy focused on holding my tongue, resisting that urge to storm off, but the essentially belittled my needs down to the level of being no more than a child. That wasn't what he was trying to say. But he STILL doesn't understand why his words cut me so.

I waited. I gave it a half hour or so and calmly went back and tried to explain my feelings about it. He was understanding and sorry at first. He was reassuring me that I'm not crazy, that he loves this lifestyle and has zero intention of ever leaving it. That I'm not a child. I don't act like one. I'm his partner. He takes care of me. But I couldn't shake it. He had said what he said and it hurt. It made me second guess everything he had said for the 4 or so months we've been doing this. Everything about how this lifestyle was working for us suddenly seemed like lies. I stayed calm but I did keep going. I pushed it. He got angry. And then angrier. He said I was being oversensitive and blah blah blah. Whatever. I was hurt.

I stopped about a centimeter shy of a spanking I'm quite sure. We went to bed fine. I took my pill and he made me count out how many were left so he could keep track. New rules were put into effect.

But even still...the next day....and he's at work...and still... I just can't help but think he didn't mean that just a little?

Progress..I didn't storm off. I kept my cool. I actually avoided punishment without too much leniency.

No progress...he said what?

Ugh.

Ash

keeping things at the forefront of our minds...

...is really quite painful for the one bent over the bed. Due to wanting to be more consistent and due to someone's snotty attitude (not me, couldn't be. I would never) David decided we were going to start maintenance. Something he once thought was unfair. He decided the first week was going to be everyday and then we'd let up from there moving on to every other day and again see where we're at after that week.

Now I think he missed the memo that maintenance isn't supposed to be that bad because let me tell you, sitting was a difficult task for a while. BUT to be fair, I think his goal was to punish me for the bad attitude and just didn't want to drag out an actual punishment so he called it something else so I wouldn't feel bad everyday. Sweet...I suppose. My backside begs to differ.

We're now on the week where it's every other day. Actually I believe we're on week two of that. I've got more important things to count down to. Like the trip home and the wedding :) I don't know what happened. I haven't been getting in a whole lot of trouble. He's been relatively consistent. Relatively. And I was getting maintenance and yet....yesterday didn't go well. I even had maintenance in the morning! But I don't know. Maybe it was good ol' Aunt Flow messing with my head but I just couldn't turn off the pouting which in this household is like...the biggest crime ever. And it was his day off no less after a 24 staff duty shift! Ugh...I felt awful. But I just couldn't shake it.

He tried instituting mandatory "sirs" with every sentence until the evening.

"You will not finish a sentence without a sir at either the beginning or the end. We're getting you to be respectful starting NOW."

"But but but..."

"But what?"

"But...sir?"

*I got a glare for that. Yes the answer was sir...but I wasn't supposed to be saying but."


But this didn't last long as my stubbornness took hold and I just refused to speak unless I absolutely had to. He gave up. But that just frustrated me more that he would just give up...

So I may or may not have gotten a bit worse. He went to give me some time to think about it in the bedroom.

"This is dumb"

"Oh is it? Why is that?"

"It won't work. Don't leave me here!"

Looking back I probably should have just taken the punishment as it was given but I was thinking about how bedroom time is the only punishment I ever got as a child and how it absolutely never worked. I wanted to be good and couldn't get there on my own and I knew this would be a waste of time. Arguing wasn't the way to do it though.

"Fine, you don't want to be comfortable in here with a bed? You want to be where I am? How about the dining room corner then. Head to the wall. NOW. And this isn't your only punishment."

Oh that's comforting.

Afterwords:

"Get ready."

"Get ready for what?"

"A spanking of course. You're not sorry."

"I'm sorry"

"Oh gee that was heartfelt. Over the bed, now."

HARDEST SPANKING EVER. Although he said he's spanked me harder. Either way I cried for a good half hour burying my head in his chest the whole time afterwords. In all honesty, that was more from feeling bad than anything else. I had ruined his whole day. I hurt him by distancing myself from him when he had been so sweet and patient trying to help me get out of my funk.

We went on to have a good night. We were watching the Walking Dead and this guy got the total shit beat out of him for abusing his wife. The next episode he was back at it and I stopped and questioned why on earth getting the shit beat out of him didn't make him think twice. David laughed...

"I feel like I should explain this. You're not..normal. I love that you're this way, but most people don't need something physical to let them feel forgiven. Again, I love that you're this way. Without it you would still be pouting. Tomorrow you would realize you were wrong and tell me that after work. But then feel bad and continue to pout about it. And it would be a while until we could be happy and normal again. But now look at us! I spanked you hard, you know you're completely forgiven and we move on and have a nice night. But people just aren't generally like that. I just got lucky." :)

Eh, he's got a point.

My once vanilla soon to be husband is no longer also.

Don't know how we got here but we were talking about if I died...but in a joking way. And this was his joking response.


"If you died I'd probably keep you around for a few days for sex and beatings."

"You're gross. You'd keep me to spank me and sex me up?"

"Hhaha yup."

"Oh officer I just found her like this this morning. What's that? Why's her ass all red? Well she fell on it and died of course"

"By your level of clumsiness people would believe it"

"Touche."

"So you like this lifestyle now then?"

"Always did. But now you've gone and changed me and you're stuck with  me like this. I like being HOH."

"But you said a month ago that you didn't need this and it was just for me."

"Not anymore. I'm always gonna wanna be able to smack you around." :)


I'm sooooo screwed. And loved. And safe. :)

Ash

Well hello newcomers!

I was literally days from deleting this blog and starting fresh and new until I woke up one morning and discovered I had several followers all at once. How freaking awesome.

So I welcome you! I'm terribly sorry. My blog has gotten off to a bumpy start and perhaps that has something to do with the bumpy start to DD.

It's been around four months I believe since we began DD and I wouldn't go back.

(Well I would...but only to redo and do it better. Round two anyone?)

As a lurker on many blogs I have found many tips and helpfuls to get us up to par...and it's working. Finally. We saw boot camp on several blogs and decided to give it a try. And by give it a try I mean we did try, and kind of failed, but it was totally David (my HOH)'s fault. No really it was. I swear. We did one day. It was meant to be two. Actually he wanted four days because he said it wasn't fair that his army boot camp last for eight weeks and he went through much worse. He said he would have rather just been beaten a little rather than do all the crap they had to do. I think he doesn't know what a spanking feels like.

We started strong. Or he did. I whined. The night before we had a nice dinner prepared by me. Which none of you know me, but I'm just learning to cook so that was a feat in itself. Then we discussed the rules. I had a huge problem with asking permission to use my phone and computer. THOSE ARE MY CHILDREN. And immediately managed to get them taken away the night before. Oooops...

We got through the one day just fine though. It was rough (for those of you yet to do it) but even the one day I saw changes between the two of us. I had been feeling neglected due to his inconsistency and that's why we wanted boot camp and also why we started maintenance. But after and even maybe during. Maybe. Hard to tell when your a$$ is red.

He was sick for it though. So he woke up in the morning on day 2 and said nope, I feel like hell. I can't properly beat you when I feel like this.

But it did make him more consistent. In fact I'm getting spanked tonight. Ooopss. Apparently PMS is not reason enough to tell him "no" every time he asks me to do something.

I may have asked for this lifestyle...but that doesn't mean I'm any good at it.

Oh and did I mention we're getting married in 5 weeks? That's probably important.



P.S. I encourage all you newcomers to check out my humor blog as well as this one. It's called "Thank God It's Friday"and is attached to this name.

Once again, welcome everyone! Thanks for checking out my blog!

Uh oh...he's getting better at this.

It's been a while since my first post and there's a reason for that. Actually there's two reasons for that. One is that I'm lazy. I've got my main blog for my friends and family to keep up with and since it's supposed to be nothing but a humor blog when I live in the middle of nowhere with nothing around me...it takes some thought sometimes. The second reason, however, is that David has suddenly gotten much better at this and until a few days ago I felt no reason to post because we were just arguing about it.

We had had a conversation a couple weeks ago about consistency and exploring new punishments. We were scrolling through Clint's blog to do so and had come up with newer ideas. Unfortunately for me it now means that he takes my computer when it's the reason I failed to keep up with housework and I now get put in the corner which is boring as hell. But the consistency part didn't stick for more than a day. And as most DD woman understand, when you do something wrong and it goes unnoticed you get frustrated and hurt. Well I took that and made things worse. Once I noticed I started testing him. I stopped locking the door entirely and I fought him on everything. All that occurred was him arguing back and not doing anything about it but going to sleep in a huff.

The worst thing I do to him is act like a baby when I get really mad. Ya know, completely shut down and turn away from him usually at night so I can just claim I'm tired and go to sleep feeling neglected. Yeah he hates that. So as a last straw of frustration I did that. And I worked it. I was whining up a storm all night and was driving him crazy and he did nothing.

When he woke up he said  "You do know you were a major brat last night right?"

"Yup"

"Reason for that?"

"You should know that." (oh I know but I was mad)

"Oh really? And what's that?"

"huff"

Eventually I caved and explained my frustrations with his level of consistency. To which he said we'd talk about later. Two days later is when we finally talked about it. He told me that I went about coming to him about something wrong. (No duhhhhh) And also that testing him was really wrong. And then I started arguing and that was really really wrong. And to all this he was going to give me 10 minutes in the corner and call it a day. At this point I knew I needed a spanking. I was feeling unloved that he wasn't willing to give me what I needed out of just not wanting to spank me right then. So I fought the corner. Which, I know, also wrong, but it got me exactly what I needed.

Over the bed I went and out came the dreaded fly swatter. (We lack any "real" implements but if you've ever felt the sting of the fly swatter you know it does the trick) But still he went pretty light and stopped at the first sign of me whining about it. He came up to do the part he's best at and hugged me and held me and rubbed my back and talked all soothingly to me but I was just mad. That wasn't all I needed and he should know that. If he doesn't want this then why doesn't he just tell me? Because he does want this. And suddenly I was hearing:

"Sweety? Sweety look at me. What's wrong? I didn't do it enough did I? Do you want more?"

I gave him a weird look. I did not *want* more but I did *need* more. So he clarified.

"No, I mean, do you need more? Talk to me baby. Tell me what you need."

I stayed quiet. But eventually just nodded and he figured it out.

"Alright I'll give you more. You know you can always ask me if you need more. You can always tell me what you need but you have to do it appropriately. I love you, now please come here. Come on now, over the bed"

And over the bed I went. And this time much harder. And he kept it up until I was full on sobbing. And then I was good. I felt so relieved. So loved. So cared for. So safe. I knew I was protected again. And I let it all out in his arms.

And then went back to the corner where I was supposed to go in the first place....lol.

Since then he's turned around 100%. He is in total HOH mode every second. He hasn't let any little thing slide. It's taking some getting used to as I've spent quite a bit of time in the corner now but I'm happy to see him trying so hard now.

We're starting boot camp this weekend. We'll see how this goes. I'm hoping it takes care of all our little issues if only for a short time.

And so it began..the intro

Hello Ladies and HOHs,

I have a blog I love to write and I keep it upbeat and funny. Unfortunately that is not the place for expressing how domestic discipline works in the lives of me and my HOH, so here I am joining the masses and hoping to make some friends who won't think I'm crazy for our lifestyle choice :)

I guess I'll do the basic lame introduction. I'm Ashley and my boyfriend's name is David and we started practicing DD about 2 months ago. Most people I see use letters to say who is who in this type of blog but our names are so ridiculously common that I don't think it's going to cause a massive privacy issue. We are young (I'm 19, he's about to turn 22) but shortly after moving in with him near the base he's stationed at (he's army in case you were wondering) I brought up my need for DD in my life and I was lucky enough to have a man who didn't hesitate. Seriously, not in the slightest. He jumped at it and said it was perfect for us.

And to be honest, it has been beyond perfect for us. Where most newly cohabiting couples are still in the intense fighting stage, we are doing just dandy. When fights arise it is quickly taken care of via communication and punishment. It has greatly opened up the lines of communication between us and I know I've never been more in love or felt so loved, safe, and secure.

We're still in the early stages though so input from anyone (productive input, not negative, judging comments of course) would be welcomed and much appreciated. We've set up our basic guidelines around our home and they are rather simple:

1. Get chores done
      *he generally leaves me a list before he leaves for work but regardless it's basic cleaning and vacuuming is to be done ever 2-3 days
2. Don't act like a baby
      *I'm the worst when it comes to acting my age when I'm upset, frustrated, or otherwise hormonal and                                it's the single most frustrating thing for him. I'm working on it...
3. Always lock the door after I come inside
4. Obey
      *pretty basic concept, hard to do. Just listen the first time I'm told. Probably the worst thing I do and the most often overlooked (much to my dismay) by HOH.
5. Respect
      *this goes along with obeying but just general respect. If there's an issue I am to come to him in an appropriate manner to discuss it.

That's pretty much it. I know a lot of couples have huge lists but we find keeping it simple does best for us. Though rules can be added at any time.

Today was quite obviously the start of us expanding on our knowledge of DD and putting it to use. Last night I made the mistake of procrastinating on the cleaning. He's working the night shift this week for rotation so evenings are when I'm doing the cleaning right now. Noise isn't an issue with most cleaning. I got all the quiet stuff done. But vacuuming is loud and would be rude to do after dark since we live in an apartment. I didn't take that into consideration when I was playing on facebook rather than cleaning and before I knew it it was near 11pm and much too late and he would be home at 6am. My first thought unfortunately was to lie about it. I assumed he'd notice and I figured I'd just insist I had done it. But I also know that with him I am impossibly bad at lying and he was going to notice and I'd be in trouble.

He actually didn't notice at all and in fact told me I had done a great job cleaning up. He never fails when it comes to compliments and making me feel appreciated for sure. But that just made me feel guilty knowing I hadn't done everything I was told to do. After a few hours I confessed. See what this lifestyle has done to me? Gahh. He appreciated the confession however I had indeed still not done it and also I should have told him immediately not hours after the fact. He had been reading up on how to properly lecture and that was obvious as he gently took me to the bedroom to discuss things. His lecturing was very good though from my end....ha not fun. We've never tried any punishments other than spanking and rather light ones at that. But today he said because the computer had been the issue my laptop would be off limits for a while as would any computer related activities on my phone...such as facebook.

Once again I made a mistake. I started to argue and complain and pout and insist he couldn't take away the use of anything on my phone. I was warned that he'd take my phone entirely and leave me to have some time in the bedroom (also a new one. He's been reading too much!). But I escalated my whining so much that he skipped that and moved to a spanking. He's gotten better. It hurt more but he was more loving with it than he's ever been before that I was better able to accept it and hold still and I only put my hand back once which is a problem for me. Any help there from anyone? Quite honestly, it was just the release I needed and I felt much better and more submissive to him immediately.

So apparently new punishment options are on the table. Goodie. Tonight I vacuumed and cleaned early and we have decided we are going to spend tomorrow reading up on DD because we firmly believe that the better we get at this, the better we are going to be as a couple.

Anywho, welcome to my new blog! I know this first entry was long but if you've made it here...good job! lol If you happen to stop by here introduce yourself! I'd love to hear from you :)

Toodles!
Ash