Rebellion Squashed

So we had a talk and I think we're back on track.

After maintenance 2 days ago I couldn't shake the pouting afterwords. I was crabby and bratty and refusing to speak which only served to anger him. I didn't know what was going on but he was demanding an answer so I just shut down. It was like I'd lost all control over my ability to speak and form full thoughts. He asked if I needed more. I did. That I'm sure of. But like hell was I going to tell him. Not when I'm that angry, that upset, that hurt and without a clue why. Stubborn took over.

Finally after about 45 minutes of this he calmed and looked at me and said "Are you trying to figure out how to explain something or are you just ignoring me?"

"Trying."

"Then I'll wait" And so he laid there looking at me and I looked back with a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings until I finally got some out.

First I explained my biggest thing: He asked if I needed more and even though I know I'm supposed to answer yes when I do I just needed him to make that judgement call on his own sometimes.

"I hate that I need the things that I do so I can't bring myself to ask for them."

He looked at me with a mix of sternness and sweetness and told me that he felt like the luckiest guy in the world having a girl who needs the things that I do. He spent a good few minutes reassuring me that no matter what anybody else thinks, he loves me and loves our lifestyle, that I'm not weird and that he'd be super bummed if ever I truly decided I didn't want DD anymore.

Suddenly it was like a weight had lifted off my shoulders even though I already knew most of what he said. Sometimes I just get it in my head that I can't be normal and why would he love me if I'm not normal? So I get lost and tongue tied and what I really need is for him to take control again.

After that we discussed what I had in my last post: the fact that I can't seem to stop testing him. I realized my pouting had little to do with him and more to do with being aggravated with myself for being unable to stop testing and I told him so. He said he somewhat understood, "So we're married now and you're retesting your boundaries and limits. In that case I'm going to squash this rebellion."

And he did.

Last night.

Hard.

Once again I was testing. I hadn't finished any of my chores the other day because he surprised me by coming home from the field early and I guess since I'm used to having chores only when he's at work I didn't think about needing to get them done while he was there. But he understood that he kept me occupied and was lenient. He said I was to get my chores for that day done as well as the chores for the next day all during the next day. And after my bratty testing he decided to add in some additional chores. I don't know why I said it but I said it:

"I'm not doing it."

"Let's here you say that again."

"I'm not doing it!" What am I stupid? I plead temporary insanity.

"Okay. Take off your pants."

"I take it back! I take it back!"

"So you're going to do all the chores tomorrow? And you know if you don't you'll get a red bottom when I get home and still have to get them done?"

"Er...yes?"

"No worries babe, I know what you mean. You don't want to take it back. Either way you're getting a spanking now so you might as well say what you mean." When did he get so HOHy? "Now go to the corner. NOW."

I saw what I thought was an opportunity after the corner and I ran for a big hug full I've tears and 'I'm sorrys'. No such luck. He turned on the bath tub and the fan. (We live in an apartment so to block out the noise of swats for the neighbors when make more noise to cover it up.)

"I don't know if you're really sorry now but you're going to be. Over the bed now. I'm not doing this how you like it. I'm doing it with the way it hurts and the way it's uncomfortable"

He saw I looked scared so he calmed a bit. Not that he wasn't calm then. He just was very stern and switched to a very loving tone. "I'm still right here, baby. It's still me spanking you. There's no reason to be scared. I love you and I'm still close to you. Not as close as over the knee (the way I like it) but I'm still right here." He rubbed my back and began spanking just with his hand.

"Do you understand why I'm doing this?" I nodded.

"Do you think I'm being fair?" I didn't want to admit it but yes so I nodded.

"Good. I told you I'm going to squash this rebellion and I am right now. You need to be thinking about how you talked to me, that you need to be respectful, and that you shouldn't be hitting me." I hadn't actually hit him and I never can hit hard. At all. No ones ever complained about my hitting them. But he decided it's a matter of respect and made a rule that one hit results in a severe spanking. I refrained all day but he thought he'd add that in there to make a point for the future. I really did feel bad. I'd completely disregarded his feelings in all of this and disobeyed time after time and the quick swats he gave me each time just didn't have any effect so I did something I've never done before.

I started sobbing after he'd spanked only with his hand after all of maybe 4 or 5 swats. In all honesty he's never been sexier or manlier than he was right then. I expected him to give into me since I was crying so soon but he didn't. He was determined to make a point and didn't let up until he thought it was memorable enough for it to serve as a reminder for the future. He was determined to squash the rebellion. And I believe he did. He broke two flyswatters over my ass. Granted they are like 95 cent fly swatters and we usually go through one every week or so as it is because they are crap but two in one night was indeed memorable. And I respected him for it. I still do. And that was his point. He looked so strong and in control and I realized last night that he really is all the time and I shouldn't be testing I should be trusting. He really does always have my best interest in mind. Always.

I couldn't help but immediately falling into his arms when it was done. I usually take a couple minutes to process things before I give in to his consoling and hug on him. But this time it was immediate and I sobbed and repeated 'I'm sorry' over and over. He reassured me of his love as always and told me it's a clean slate now. No need to keep apologizing, it's all over and done with.

And I guess it is. But now I need to get back to those chores. I already have maintenance tonight. I don't need another punishment on top of it. It already hurts to sit.

DD is sometimes a bit messy and sometimes it hurts. But it's always worth it.

Ash