Major Meltdown

Well I ended the year with growth and maturity. But I think I began on the wrong foot.

I wanted to write this just after it happened yesterday but I couldn't explain it. Honestly, I still am not entirely sure I know what happened or why.

Basically, I had a meltdown over pretty much nothing but I'm assuming my subconscious isn't letting me in on a few key details. The overview is that David decided that he was going to shower before we went to the gym and that was going to slow us down getting there and I just thought it was stupid. I mean who showers before the gym?!? In reality though, a 5 minute shower, no matter how dumb or pointless it may have been, wasn't going to slow us down all that much. In fact, I was still not fully dressed and ready to go by the time he was AFTER the shower. But at that point I had already fussed and carried on and now my pride was on the line.

Can you believe that? This from the girl who submitted so well and on her own in a preventative manner just the day before. All this...over a shower.

Oh yes. It gets worse.

I decided as he was getting in said shower that I was going to the fitness center alone. I was peeved that he wanted to slow us down to clean off sweat before getting sweating at the gym and coming back to shower. Peeved to say the least. And I honestly don't know why it peeved me quite so much. Yes it was dumb. But not that dumb. But I ran around nonetheless, swearing at him, telling him I was going alone and that I didn't want to be near him and that he was just plain stupid. But as I said before, I didn't quite get ready in time. Hey, us girls have more to do even without a shower.

So I was just getting my shoes on when he waltzes out fully dressed and shoes on his feet. Screwed is Ashley.

So more meltdown ensues. And grows out of control. In my defense, if he hadn't said a thing or two I probably would have calmed sooner. But anywho, out of control. He walks out saying he's ready and that by no means am I going by myself. I quite clearly state that I am. (That's not bratty right??) I grab the fob to the fitness center and start towards the door. He tells me to stop. I don't. Ooops? He grabs my IDs and my fob. Great. He starts lecturing. Honestly I don't remember what all he said. I was busy seeing white and glaring at him. I refused to say anymore than "Give me my IDs now" like a broken record. He asked me if I knew the definition of insanity.

Gr.

So instead I grab my car keys. So driving on a military instillation without IDs is sort of a no no just for all those who don't know. But I didn't care at that point. I grabbed my keys and head towards the door with a stomp or two and a "who's gonna stop me" kinda look.

Who's gonna stop me? Oh I don't know.

So he grabs the door before I could fully open it. That's when I really lost it. Oh you thought I already had? We're just getting started here.

I tried to fight him. Physically. I'm kinda tiny. He's kinda not. That was a lost cause but I was pretty determined. He dragged me back to the living room in hopes of calming me down repeating that I was in serious trouble and in for quite a spanking. I pulled out a serious, hurtful defense: "You can't spank me without my consent. You don't have it." Oh boy...I know. Don't even say it.

It honestly didn't seem to concern him much. But he told me to sit on the couch and we were just going to talk. After asking he then pulled me there because...I certainly wasn't going to on my own. I sat glaring at him. He sat looking at me, trying to read me. I was still seeing white. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was getting a spanking. That what kind of HoH would he be if he let this one go? He couldn't let that happen and no matter what I say I'm getting a spanking. He took off my shorts and panties (so much for being ready to go huh?) and told me to get over his knee but that we were still going to just talk. I wasn't in the submitting mood. I told him so with a big fat 'NO'. No worries...I ended up there anyway shortly. But I started crying instantly. No not crying, I take it back. More like full on sobbing with all the hysterics. He kept telling me that he wasn't even spanking me yet and he just wanted to talk. I kept fighting him. He kept holding me down. I kept on sobbing and eventually cried so hard I just went limp for and just laid there. He thought I'd calmed. More like the eye of the storm. I wasn't up for talking. I was silent and just crying a little.

When he reached for the fly swatter to try to spank me I found my second wind. I went ballistic to say the least. We ended up on the floor. I don't remember how we got there but we rotated between him holding me asking me what was really wrong and why I was so scared when he loved me so much and knew he wouldn't really hurt me and him trying to spank me to get me to speak. You see I quite often have these moments where I lose it and just can't speak, only whimper, and the only way he can get me out of it is to spank me. He thought I was just having one of my "episodes" but this was out and out terror and I really had no idea why. I knew full well he would never hurt me beyond spanking. And I've had some pretty intense spankings before and I've never felt anything but loved and relieved at the end. So what gives?

I don't know. He ended up not spanking me then. He told me later he was keeping up a straight, brave face but that he felt like he was really trying to beat me and that he was doing something horrendously wrong. He had been hurt by my actions. To the point he was asking me if I still loved him and if I still wanted my ring. He was asking what it meant to me. It means everything to me. I love him more than anything. And it hurt me to hear him talk like that. It hurt me to realize how much I was hurting him but I just couldn't get words to come out. My mouth wouldn't move to say anything other than "no no no, don't spank me, please." I was still trembling and sobbing. We moved to the bedroom per my request to be alone. I didn't get the alone but I did get to lay down. I was wiped out.

We laid down and he told me he wasn't spanking me now and could we please just talk. Nope. No. No way. Not happening. We moved on to other activities....

Yeah I know what they say about sex and punishment and mixing them but when he takes complete control over it it usually calms me and puts me in a more submissive mind set. It worked. It calmed a bit. I still had no words for him as to why the hell I had reacted like that or why I had gotten so upset over a stupid shower.

He decided he wasn't spanking me that night at all. But that I was getting maintenance every day instead of every other day from now until further notice. Great. He decided my reaction had more to do with us taking to many breaks from our norm from our holiday and moving travels. He said we won't be doing any traveling any time soon as we need to keep a pattern for a while so I get back into it. He said "submitting is hard for you isn't it?" Why yes, yes it is.

I don't get myself. It really is hard for me to submit. But why? I'm not naturally submissive but I am with select people, him included. I crave his control and authority. I need him in this position. So why the hell is it so hard for me to just let him have that control? I honestly think all of this sparked from well one, hormones (it's period time and it's not here. so it's either late and this is pms or I'm pregnant and mood swings are a coming) and two because he told me what was happening and how it was happening and that I couldn't do something. I felt a sudden, irresistable urge to rebel. I couldn't fight it. And then I broke. I believe from being torn between the want to submit and the want to be independent. It's one thing to submit when it's something I know full well I should do and that I need to do or even want to do. It's an entirely different thing to be told I can't do something I really want to do, especially when I'm already angry. I was clinging to my independence.

I'm a strong person. I've dealt with more than even he knows. More than anyone knows as I just keep some things to myself. Just the simple act of him grabbing onto my arm brought back memories from when my dad wasn't so in control of his temper. I knew David would never hurt me, but those memories came flooding back and all I could think about was the terror. I'm a runner. In several ways. I ran in high school. But I also ran away a lot. I kept several changes of clothes in my car as well as in a bag in my room. I kept my purse stocked with my tooth brush and deoderent and make up and all the essentials. I was ready to go at a moments notice. Always. And I used that a lot. My first response to a tough situation is to bolt. Head for the hills. Get the hell out and think about the next course of action about a mile away on foot. Not the best way to handle things but it's what I know. When David stopped me from waltzing my way right out the door my only method of handling things was taken from me. I'm independent. I'm a feisty, wild, a little crazy. I need space. I need...I don't even know. I don't know that I even want space. My mind just gets in a jumble and I want out. It's like I can't process chaos fast enough. And that was too much chaos. And most of it was in my head.

Nothing seemed to be especially wrong. I just couldn't handle it when my normal ways were gone. And I broke.

The end result will surprise you. After I calmed I asked him to sit up. I climbed over his lap and gave him my bottom prime for spanking. He did. And I cried again. But this time I held on to him.

It's time for maintenance. Did I mention submitting on my own didn't get me out of that daily maintenance thing? Yeah, it didn't. Don't have major meltdowns. They go...not well.

Here's to day two of the new year starting of the rest of the year a little better...

Ash