Honestly I had another post in mind. Something happier. Something...informational even. But I think I'll have to put it aside and post it later. Maybe tomorrow...or the next day..as it appears I'll have time.
Look I get that as an Army wife I'm supposed to be good at being alone, at being strong and independent all the time. And in truth I usually am but I think DD has changed me. I'm more dependent on David. I require his regular attention or I get a little off.
David is going into the field for the next 5 days. Really I'm lucky. He should have to do this every few weeks. He trains people to deploy. That's his job. So he spends a lot of time running through the woods playing the bad guy and teaching the new guys how to handle combat/attacks. I do understand that that is his job. But it doesn't make it any easier. And usually he doesn't have to go out the whole time and with all the cut backs (which is a bad thing) he doesn't go out to train as often as they are supposed to. So I'm not used to him leaving anymore.
A question I receive a lot is how on earth did I handle deployment for a year as well as all the time he was in Germany and away from me when I can't handle a few days away when he's all of 30 miles away. Well essentially, during that time, I had a life. We weren't yet married and I was already living on my own. I hadn't gotten used to him being around. And though I missed him terribly and worried for him constantly and wished every second for him to be there with me...I did have distractions. I had a job at the time. I worked anywhere from 40-70 hour weeks and I was going to school at the time as well. I had friends when I did find a moment of free time. I had photoshoots in STL and family to go see if all else failed. Basically, I was busy busy and independent. And also there he could contact me. In the field he has no phone, no computer, no anything.
You see I've always been relatively independent. I didn't have the best relationship with my parents so I rarely went to them for anything. I've always had a friend or two I was close with but I seem to be a magnet for horrible, drama filled relationships that reek havoc in my life until I end them so other than those 2 friends I didn't have a lot of people around. I had a lot of problems and I dealt with them on my own. I trusted no one. Ever. When guys would try to get close to me I would make it clear from the start "I don't trust anyone. People lie and people leave and forever is a joke." That usually sent em running pretty quickly. But it was the truth. I still don't trust anyone.
But I trust my husband.
Over time I've come to find myself relying more and more on him. I really feel DD has done that. And that's a good thing I think. It's brought us remarkably close together. It has made me trust him and be open with him. But it's also made me reveal my vulnerable side. I don't like it but it's safe with him. And DD is all about being less independent and not having to be strong all the time.
What that seems to mean is that I need him. More than I'd like to admit. And I get used to him being around and I don't know how to handle it when he's gone. And now, unlike when he was deployed, I'm really really alone. I don't have a job. I'm 800 miles from family and friends. We don't have kids. And we don't have a lot of money. What that means is that we rely on each other for company and entertainment but me more so than him. Reason being he's a soldier. He's busy like I was before. He has friends here and has a job to go to and do. He's occupied. I keep up with the housework. I watch some Psych on netflix. I write and I spend waayy too much time with Google. I play games on my phone and I call my mom incessantly.
Ugh.
I feel pathetic. 5 days is not much even without contact. But when he told me a few hours ago that he's leaving tomorrow morning I just shut down. I tuned him out and checked out. He's leaving so I put back up my walls. And I think I was even a little mad. Not necessarily at him but just in general. It's nothing he can control and I don't want him worrying about me while he's gone but my anxiety has been through the roof lately. And I have a doctors appointment to find out about some odd stuff going on with my body and whether or not I'm pregnant and he's not going to be contactable during that time and it just sucks.
I'm sorry.
This post wasn't pretty. I just really needed to vent. And I sound ridiculous. I'm just going to stop writing now. I'll come back when I've calmed down.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Ever get the feeling your hubby is reading behind your back?
Oh I know you have. I've read about it time and time again. It's one of those things you think "It'll never happen to me." But then it does and you look at your HoH with utter shock and confusion as if this is the kind of thing that absolutely never happens when really you read about that happening to three other DD women just last night.
Oh that?
Yes that.
My husband did that just the other day and I looked at him like he had three heads which is really quite hard to do from certain positions but I managed all the same.
See my husband just started what he likes to call "The Listening Position" defined as me over his knee, bottom round and firm as ever (hey a girl's gotta give herself credit where credit's due in situations such as these where things aren't quite going her way), while in the middle of a screaming match discussion that seems to be getting slightly out of control, not for a spanking, persay, but prepared for one in the even that her tongue to bottom communication is just a few oh so important seconds off.
The funny thing is that I've heard of quite a few women who seem to "listen better" from this position and are often placed there to finish out discussions as a reminder of who's in charge and why she should probably tell her tongue to have a meeting with her behind before she speaks any louder. And though I knew he never would, I assumed David had been reading these other blogs to come up with the best ways to torture me and make my life harder handle my sometimes feisty ways.
We were discussing some rather serious issues. Well not so much issues as just decisions that needed to be made that I thought had already been made so I may or may not have been the most respectful I could have been. You see, David has a memory problem. And when I say "memory problem" I really mean that 5 minutes after breakfast is done and eaten I may get the question "What did we eat for breakfast this morning?" as if it were hours or days in the past. So sometimes and/or quite often I get a bit upset when we're having the same discussion for the fourth time, each one with slightly different results and the thought on his end that we've never discussed this before.
Oh no, I'm not exaggerating.
We were once again discussing baby things like just how we're going to handle one and parenting things and the like and that's okay to repeat, I'm cool with that. But then the topic of when, if given the option to choose, would we like to go Germany. We may have the option to postpone another year past the 15 months we are supposed to stay in Louisiana now. HE had been the one to bring it up as a good idea if we find I'm pregnant within the next few months and yet HE was the one saying "oh you want to stay here?" GR. Okay, moving on. Basically we we're repeating some rather serious discussion topics that after two previous discussions I thought had been dealt with and decided. Obviously I got just a weency been upset and told him so. A little loudly and with just a hint of sarcasm. (Oh no, not me!) Anywho, things weren't going so well.
He told me to stand up. He told me to stand up which I obviously did immediately. (hahahahaha) I was confused but not near as confused as I was when he pulled me over his knee and took down my bottoms.
He said, "I'm not saying you are wrong. I'm not saying you're in trouble and I'm not going to spank you as of now. But I am saying that your tone is getting disrespectful and I think this position will remind you of why you should be watching what you say. Now go on, continue what you were saying."
It's been a few days but it was essentially that.
Right then was when he got that "you've totally got three heads" look. Yes I did manage from that position and promptly got told to look back down.
My oh my, let me tell you, that much to my dismay that position worked. And he wasn't mean about it. In fact it really was just a calming effect especially since he also lifted my shirt and rubbed my back specifically because he knows that calms me. The first time it didn't do a whole whole lot because I was upset about the turn of events and despite what he was saying I felt he was telling me that I was wrong and therefore needed to be put in my place to show me. I refused to say much else until quite a while had passed. But afterwords we discussed why he did that and after reexplaining what he had said before I understood and it was made clear that refusing to go over his knee and into the "listening position" whenever told, no matter how mad I may be, is a spankable offense right there.
After the explanation I couldn't hold back.
I just had to ask.
"Have you been reading DD blogs?"
"Ha, no, I haven't, why? Do other guys do this too?"
Sigh...how do they come up with these things?
Statistically speaking, 95% of DD women will find their HoHs doing things they never thought they could come up with without first reading up on the subject.
Also statistically speaking, there's a 98% chance that I made the previous statistic up.
But it sure sounds accurate doesn't it?
Don't assume it won't happen to you! It'll happen when you least expect it and results will vary! Previously unsore and white bottom not guaranteed back if results don't go as planned.
Ash
PS. Statistically speaking again, 100% of people like my humor blog and are prettier for it. Subscribe and you'll lose 10 pounds and raise your IQ! But remember, DD is not part of my "public" life so please keep direct references to it off that particular blog and on this one instead :)
oh-its-her.com
DO IT!
PS. Statistically speaking again, 100% of people like my humor blog and are prettier for it. Subscribe and you'll lose 10 pounds and raise your IQ! But remember, DD is not part of my "public" life so please keep direct references to it off that particular blog and on this one instead :)
oh-its-her.com
DO IT!
Monday, January 2, 2012
Major Meltdown
Well I ended the year with growth and maturity. But I think I began on the wrong foot.
I wanted to write this just after it happened yesterday but I couldn't explain it. Honestly, I still am not entirely sure I know what happened or why.
Basically, I had a meltdown over pretty much nothing but I'm assuming my subconscious isn't letting me in on a few key details. The overview is that David decided that he was going to shower before we went to the gym and that was going to slow us down getting there and I just thought it was stupid. I mean who showers before the gym?!? In reality though, a 5 minute shower, no matter how dumb or pointless it may have been, wasn't going to slow us down all that much. In fact, I was still not fully dressed and ready to go by the time he was AFTER the shower. But at that point I had already fussed and carried on and now my pride was on the line.
Can you believe that? This from the girl who submitted so well and on her own in a preventative manner just the day before. All this...over a shower.
Oh yes. It gets worse.
I decided as he was getting in said shower that I was going to the fitness center alone. I was peeved that he wanted to slow us down to clean off sweat before getting sweating at the gym and coming back to shower. Peeved to say the least. And I honestly don't know why it peeved me quite so much. Yes it was dumb. But not that dumb. But I ran around nonetheless, swearing at him, telling him I was going alone and that I didn't want to be near him and that he was just plain stupid. But as I said before, I didn't quite get ready in time. Hey, us girls have more to do even without a shower.
So I was just getting my shoes on when he waltzes out fully dressed and shoes on his feet. Screwed is Ashley.
So more meltdown ensues. And grows out of control. In my defense, if he hadn't said a thing or two I probably would have calmed sooner. But anywho, out of control. He walks out saying he's ready and that by no means am I going by myself. I quite clearly state that I am. (That's not bratty right??) I grab the fob to the fitness center and start towards the door. He tells me to stop. I don't. Ooops? He grabs my IDs and my fob. Great. He starts lecturing. Honestly I don't remember what all he said. I was busy seeing white and glaring at him. I refused to say anymore than "Give me my IDs now" like a broken record. He asked me if I knew the definition of insanity.
Gr.
So instead I grab my car keys. So driving on a military instillation without IDs is sort of a no no just for all those who don't know. But I didn't care at that point. I grabbed my keys and head towards the door with a stomp or two and a "who's gonna stop me" kinda look.
Who's gonna stop me? Oh I don't know.
So he grabs the door before I could fully open it. That's when I really lost it. Oh you thought I already had? We're just getting started here.
I tried to fight him. Physically. I'm kinda tiny. He's kinda not. That was a lost cause but I was pretty determined. He dragged me back to the living room in hopes of calming me down repeating that I was in serious trouble and in for quite a spanking. I pulled out a serious, hurtful defense: "You can't spank me without my consent. You don't have it." Oh boy...I know. Don't even say it.
It honestly didn't seem to concern him much. But he told me to sit on the couch and we were just going to talk. After asking he then pulled me there because...I certainly wasn't going to on my own. I sat glaring at him. He sat looking at me, trying to read me. I was still seeing white. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was getting a spanking. That what kind of HoH would he be if he let this one go? He couldn't let that happen and no matter what I say I'm getting a spanking. He took off my shorts and panties (so much for being ready to go huh?) and told me to get over his knee but that we were still going to just talk. I wasn't in the submitting mood. I told him so with a big fat 'NO'. No worries...I ended up there anyway shortly. But I started crying instantly. No not crying, I take it back. More like full on sobbing with all the hysterics. He kept telling me that he wasn't even spanking me yet and he just wanted to talk. I kept fighting him. He kept holding me down. I kept on sobbing and eventually cried so hard I just went limp for and just laid there. He thought I'd calmed. More like the eye of the storm. I wasn't up for talking. I was silent and just crying a little.
When he reached for the fly swatter to try to spank me I found my second wind. I went ballistic to say the least. We ended up on the floor. I don't remember how we got there but we rotated between him holding me asking me what was really wrong and why I was so scared when he loved me so much and knew he wouldn't really hurt me and him trying to spank me to get me to speak. You see I quite often have these moments where I lose it and just can't speak, only whimper, and the only way he can get me out of it is to spank me. He thought I was just having one of my "episodes" but this was out and out terror and I really had no idea why. I knew full well he would never hurt me beyond spanking. And I've had some pretty intense spankings before and I've never felt anything but loved and relieved at the end. So what gives?
I don't know. He ended up not spanking me then. He told me later he was keeping up a straight, brave face but that he felt like he was really trying to beat me and that he was doing something horrendously wrong. He had been hurt by my actions. To the point he was asking me if I still loved him and if I still wanted my ring. He was asking what it meant to me. It means everything to me. I love him more than anything. And it hurt me to hear him talk like that. It hurt me to realize how much I was hurting him but I just couldn't get words to come out. My mouth wouldn't move to say anything other than "no no no, don't spank me, please." I was still trembling and sobbing. We moved to the bedroom per my request to be alone. I didn't get the alone but I did get to lay down. I was wiped out.
We laid down and he told me he wasn't spanking me now and could we please just talk. Nope. No. No way. Not happening. We moved on to other activities....
Yeah I know what they say about sex and punishment and mixing them but when he takes complete control over it it usually calms me and puts me in a more submissive mind set. It worked. It calmed a bit. I still had no words for him as to why the hell I had reacted like that or why I had gotten so upset over a stupid shower.
He decided he wasn't spanking me that night at all. But that I was getting maintenance every day instead of every other day from now until further notice. Great. He decided my reaction had more to do with us taking to many breaks from our norm from our holiday and moving travels. He said we won't be doing any traveling any time soon as we need to keep a pattern for a while so I get back into it. He said "submitting is hard for you isn't it?" Why yes, yes it is.
I don't get myself. It really is hard for me to submit. But why? I'm not naturally submissive but I am with select people, him included. I crave his control and authority. I need him in this position. So why the hell is it so hard for me to just let him have that control? I honestly think all of this sparked from well one, hormones (it's period time and it's not here. so it's either late and this is pms or I'm pregnant and mood swings are a coming) and two because he told me what was happening and how it was happening and that I couldn't do something. I felt a sudden, irresistable urge to rebel. I couldn't fight it. And then I broke. I believe from being torn between the want to submit and the want to be independent. It's one thing to submit when it's something I know full well I should do and that I need to do or even want to do. It's an entirely different thing to be told I can't do something I really want to do, especially when I'm already angry. I was clinging to my independence.
I'm a strong person. I've dealt with more than even he knows. More than anyone knows as I just keep some things to myself. Just the simple act of him grabbing onto my arm brought back memories from when my dad wasn't so in control of his temper. I knew David would never hurt me, but those memories came flooding back and all I could think about was the terror. I'm a runner. In several ways. I ran in high school. But I also ran away a lot. I kept several changes of clothes in my car as well as in a bag in my room. I kept my purse stocked with my tooth brush and deoderent and make up and all the essentials. I was ready to go at a moments notice. Always. And I used that a lot. My first response to a tough situation is to bolt. Head for the hills. Get the hell out and think about the next course of action about a mile away on foot. Not the best way to handle things but it's what I know. When David stopped me from waltzing my way right out the door my only method of handling things was taken from me. I'm independent. I'm a feisty, wild, a little crazy. I need space. I need...I don't even know. I don't know that I even want space. My mind just gets in a jumble and I want out. It's like I can't process chaos fast enough. And that was too much chaos. And most of it was in my head.
Nothing seemed to be especially wrong. I just couldn't handle it when my normal ways were gone. And I broke.
The end result will surprise you. After I calmed I asked him to sit up. I climbed over his lap and gave him my bottom prime for spanking. He did. And I cried again. But this time I held on to him.
It's time for maintenance. Did I mention submitting on my own didn't get me out of that daily maintenance thing? Yeah, it didn't. Don't have major meltdowns. They go...not well.
Here's to day two of the new year starting of the rest of the year a little better...
Ash
I wanted to write this just after it happened yesterday but I couldn't explain it. Honestly, I still am not entirely sure I know what happened or why.
Basically, I had a meltdown over pretty much nothing but I'm assuming my subconscious isn't letting me in on a few key details. The overview is that David decided that he was going to shower before we went to the gym and that was going to slow us down getting there and I just thought it was stupid. I mean who showers before the gym?!? In reality though, a 5 minute shower, no matter how dumb or pointless it may have been, wasn't going to slow us down all that much. In fact, I was still not fully dressed and ready to go by the time he was AFTER the shower. But at that point I had already fussed and carried on and now my pride was on the line.
Can you believe that? This from the girl who submitted so well and on her own in a preventative manner just the day before. All this...over a shower.
Oh yes. It gets worse.
I decided as he was getting in said shower that I was going to the fitness center alone. I was peeved that he wanted to slow us down to clean off sweat before getting sweating at the gym and coming back to shower. Peeved to say the least. And I honestly don't know why it peeved me quite so much. Yes it was dumb. But not that dumb. But I ran around nonetheless, swearing at him, telling him I was going alone and that I didn't want to be near him and that he was just plain stupid. But as I said before, I didn't quite get ready in time. Hey, us girls have more to do even without a shower.
So I was just getting my shoes on when he waltzes out fully dressed and shoes on his feet. Screwed is Ashley.
So more meltdown ensues. And grows out of control. In my defense, if he hadn't said a thing or two I probably would have calmed sooner. But anywho, out of control. He walks out saying he's ready and that by no means am I going by myself. I quite clearly state that I am. (That's not bratty right??) I grab the fob to the fitness center and start towards the door. He tells me to stop. I don't. Ooops? He grabs my IDs and my fob. Great. He starts lecturing. Honestly I don't remember what all he said. I was busy seeing white and glaring at him. I refused to say anymore than "Give me my IDs now" like a broken record. He asked me if I knew the definition of insanity.
Gr.
So instead I grab my car keys. So driving on a military instillation without IDs is sort of a no no just for all those who don't know. But I didn't care at that point. I grabbed my keys and head towards the door with a stomp or two and a "who's gonna stop me" kinda look.
Who's gonna stop me? Oh I don't know.
So he grabs the door before I could fully open it. That's when I really lost it. Oh you thought I already had? We're just getting started here.
I tried to fight him. Physically. I'm kinda tiny. He's kinda not. That was a lost cause but I was pretty determined. He dragged me back to the living room in hopes of calming me down repeating that I was in serious trouble and in for quite a spanking. I pulled out a serious, hurtful defense: "You can't spank me without my consent. You don't have it." Oh boy...I know. Don't even say it.
It honestly didn't seem to concern him much. But he told me to sit on the couch and we were just going to talk. After asking he then pulled me there because...I certainly wasn't going to on my own. I sat glaring at him. He sat looking at me, trying to read me. I was still seeing white. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was getting a spanking. That what kind of HoH would he be if he let this one go? He couldn't let that happen and no matter what I say I'm getting a spanking. He took off my shorts and panties (so much for being ready to go huh?) and told me to get over his knee but that we were still going to just talk. I wasn't in the submitting mood. I told him so with a big fat 'NO'. No worries...I ended up there anyway shortly. But I started crying instantly. No not crying, I take it back. More like full on sobbing with all the hysterics. He kept telling me that he wasn't even spanking me yet and he just wanted to talk. I kept fighting him. He kept holding me down. I kept on sobbing and eventually cried so hard I just went limp for and just laid there. He thought I'd calmed. More like the eye of the storm. I wasn't up for talking. I was silent and just crying a little.
When he reached for the fly swatter to try to spank me I found my second wind. I went ballistic to say the least. We ended up on the floor. I don't remember how we got there but we rotated between him holding me asking me what was really wrong and why I was so scared when he loved me so much and knew he wouldn't really hurt me and him trying to spank me to get me to speak. You see I quite often have these moments where I lose it and just can't speak, only whimper, and the only way he can get me out of it is to spank me. He thought I was just having one of my "episodes" but this was out and out terror and I really had no idea why. I knew full well he would never hurt me beyond spanking. And I've had some pretty intense spankings before and I've never felt anything but loved and relieved at the end. So what gives?
I don't know. He ended up not spanking me then. He told me later he was keeping up a straight, brave face but that he felt like he was really trying to beat me and that he was doing something horrendously wrong. He had been hurt by my actions. To the point he was asking me if I still loved him and if I still wanted my ring. He was asking what it meant to me. It means everything to me. I love him more than anything. And it hurt me to hear him talk like that. It hurt me to realize how much I was hurting him but I just couldn't get words to come out. My mouth wouldn't move to say anything other than "no no no, don't spank me, please." I was still trembling and sobbing. We moved to the bedroom per my request to be alone. I didn't get the alone but I did get to lay down. I was wiped out.
We laid down and he told me he wasn't spanking me now and could we please just talk. Nope. No. No way. Not happening. We moved on to other activities....
Yeah I know what they say about sex and punishment and mixing them but when he takes complete control over it it usually calms me and puts me in a more submissive mind set. It worked. It calmed a bit. I still had no words for him as to why the hell I had reacted like that or why I had gotten so upset over a stupid shower.
He decided he wasn't spanking me that night at all. But that I was getting maintenance every day instead of every other day from now until further notice. Great. He decided my reaction had more to do with us taking to many breaks from our norm from our holiday and moving travels. He said we won't be doing any traveling any time soon as we need to keep a pattern for a while so I get back into it. He said "submitting is hard for you isn't it?" Why yes, yes it is.
I don't get myself. It really is hard for me to submit. But why? I'm not naturally submissive but I am with select people, him included. I crave his control and authority. I need him in this position. So why the hell is it so hard for me to just let him have that control? I honestly think all of this sparked from well one, hormones (it's period time and it's not here. so it's either late and this is pms or I'm pregnant and mood swings are a coming) and two because he told me what was happening and how it was happening and that I couldn't do something. I felt a sudden, irresistable urge to rebel. I couldn't fight it. And then I broke. I believe from being torn between the want to submit and the want to be independent. It's one thing to submit when it's something I know full well I should do and that I need to do or even want to do. It's an entirely different thing to be told I can't do something I really want to do, especially when I'm already angry. I was clinging to my independence.
I'm a strong person. I've dealt with more than even he knows. More than anyone knows as I just keep some things to myself. Just the simple act of him grabbing onto my arm brought back memories from when my dad wasn't so in control of his temper. I knew David would never hurt me, but those memories came flooding back and all I could think about was the terror. I'm a runner. In several ways. I ran in high school. But I also ran away a lot. I kept several changes of clothes in my car as well as in a bag in my room. I kept my purse stocked with my tooth brush and deoderent and make up and all the essentials. I was ready to go at a moments notice. Always. And I used that a lot. My first response to a tough situation is to bolt. Head for the hills. Get the hell out and think about the next course of action about a mile away on foot. Not the best way to handle things but it's what I know. When David stopped me from waltzing my way right out the door my only method of handling things was taken from me. I'm independent. I'm a feisty, wild, a little crazy. I need space. I need...I don't even know. I don't know that I even want space. My mind just gets in a jumble and I want out. It's like I can't process chaos fast enough. And that was too much chaos. And most of it was in my head.
Nothing seemed to be especially wrong. I just couldn't handle it when my normal ways were gone. And I broke.
The end result will surprise you. After I calmed I asked him to sit up. I climbed over his lap and gave him my bottom prime for spanking. He did. And I cried again. But this time I held on to him.
It's time for maintenance. Did I mention submitting on my own didn't get me out of that daily maintenance thing? Yeah, it didn't. Don't have major meltdowns. They go...not well.
Here's to day two of the new year starting of the rest of the year a little better...
Ash
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