Babysitting- progress or no?

I held my tongue.

I resisted the (very strong) urge to stomp off to the bedroom and bury my head under the covers and pout.

I (mostly) kept my tone calm.

I watched myself get very close to punishment and manage to stay just shy of it. For once.

So that's progress right?
Right..?

On my end I suppose. But I think there was some backsliding on his part.

I swallowed my pride. There's things I need to work on that have always been problems for me. When I first brought DD to him I didn't explain much of anything. I told him I had things saved in the bookmarks section of my computer and that it was the only thing open on it while I was at work and then told him not to look. Although that last part was an afterthought when the realization of "Oh holy hell what did I just do? He's going to think I've lost what little sanity I had left." But he looked. Of course he looked. Who wouldn't after an opener like that?

I had some old blogs in there. Not mine of course, some others. From like 2007. I didn't know there were so many of us at the time. I just found the one and ran with it. I got home from work and he comforted me, told me I wasn't crazy, and all that jazz. He told me he loved me no matter what and that things would be changing around here. It was late and he said we'd discuss rules the next day and that he thought this would be perfect for us. Boy did I luck out or what??

But I never told him what to do beyond that. I never mentioned what I needed help with. He just picked out a few potentially destructive behaviors and focused on them....like pouting when I'm mad. Like turning away from him. Like my instinct to run when something goes wrong. And I mean bolt. I've been held back more than once after a big fight while a sobbing, hysterical mess...keys in hand no less. But that was before DD. Now I know that won't fly. But there's more to DD then that. It's more than a "when we have a big fight" remedy. It's a lifestyle to be lived on an everyday basis. It's meant to help us both grow both individually and as a couple. And we have. But I finally sat down and wrote him a note, swallowing my pride, asking him for help is certain areas of my life.

1)Procrastination/ time management
2) Pill taking
3)Immediate obedience
4) Sticking to things

It started fine. In fact it started great. He was highly appreciative of my appropriate manner for once while coming to him with something that needs work. I included in there areas I would like him to improve but filled it with reassurances that he was stepping up and was helping me and him so much. He liked that.

He didn't really know what to do about the procrastination. He's military. He's a little busy and works everyday. He doesn't have a whole lot of time to do much during the day. Which is when I'm home by myself and stare at the ceiling in hopes of motivation just hitting me at some point (no pun intended) to get me to get up and do something, anything. And it usually takes until his phone call saying he'll be home in 15 minutes to get me up. Some things are done. But not nearly as much as should be.

We've got a kinda sorta plan for that.

Sticking to things and immediate obedience: No trouble there. He said we'll take care of those no issue. He said he has no problem stepping up and getting those under control.

Pill taking however, we hit a bump in the road. Quite a bump in my opinion. I get UTIs like freaking crazy. My doctor thinks it might be an internal issue because we are so careful with EVERYTHING and I still get them every few days. It's awful. And I can't go to the doctor for real or really again until we're married. Once we're married I'm covered by Tricare (military insurance) and everything will be free. But until then we are as broke as broke gets. Point being..the pills we do get need to be taken seriously. And once I don't feel symptoms so bad anymore I tend to forget that I'm supposed to take them.

I've never done well with pills. I hate them. So I avoid them and let them slip my mind. I asked for help. I swallowed my pride and asked for help and what does he say?

So I have to babysit you?

Say what now? Babysit? He tried to back track and say he meant "look after" and that I was right, it was his job to look after me and he'd get on me about it. But he kind of kept digging with that first hit. I don't remember his exact words because I was verrryyyy focused on holding my tongue, resisting that urge to storm off, but the essentially belittled my needs down to the level of being no more than a child. That wasn't what he was trying to say. But he STILL doesn't understand why his words cut me so.

I waited. I gave it a half hour or so and calmly went back and tried to explain my feelings about it. He was understanding and sorry at first. He was reassuring me that I'm not crazy, that he loves this lifestyle and has zero intention of ever leaving it. That I'm not a child. I don't act like one. I'm his partner. He takes care of me. But I couldn't shake it. He had said what he said and it hurt. It made me second guess everything he had said for the 4 or so months we've been doing this. Everything about how this lifestyle was working for us suddenly seemed like lies. I stayed calm but I did keep going. I pushed it. He got angry. And then angrier. He said I was being oversensitive and blah blah blah. Whatever. I was hurt.

I stopped about a centimeter shy of a spanking I'm quite sure. We went to bed fine. I took my pill and he made me count out how many were left so he could keep track. New rules were put into effect.

But even still...the next day....and he's at work...and still... I just can't help but think he didn't mean that just a little?

Progress..I didn't storm off. I kept my cool. I actually avoided punishment without too much leniency.

No progress...he said what?

Ugh.

Ash