So I've changed things a bit...and have a question

Perhaps a lot a bit. The name as well as just about everything else has changed. I felt it was necessary.

Also I have a question.

Essentially here's the thing: I don't know that I'm always testing my husband but more like I'm realizing my loss of control and attempting to hit the "go back" button. I've found that now that he's stepped up I'm getting in trouble even more...not because he's stepped up but because I've gotten worse. Seriously. I've been spanked every night for probably the last 2 weeks and made maintenance worse pretty much every time. I'm really just curious if I'm alone on this one or not?

As soon as I feel he's truly stepped up I'm happy. And then moments later I realize he really is in control and I'm not. Then I kind of internally panic.

"What am I doing?"

"What have I gotten myself into?"

"That's a stupid rule. And I'm a grown woman for pete's sake! I'll do it anyway."

So you see my downfall....

I start thinking it's all silly and that I really don't need any of this so why follow any of the rules? I'm an adult. I can act like one on my own.

And it's true, I can. But sometimes I need a little help. I know that. And most days I crave the control he has. I crave his authority and want nothing more than to please him and submit to him. Almost everyday I wake up with that feeling. But then I go temporarily insane and think I don't need it and I'm crazy and weird to have wanted it in the first place. So I start breaking rules on purpose in an attempt to gain back some control and am met with a spoon...did I mention he got himself a wooden spoon? I dislike it. No that's not strong enough...I loathe with every part of my body (especially my ass) that damn spoon.

It's now reserved for when I get too loud or move too much.

But anywho, does anyone else ever get like this? I know I want this lifestyle and I never want it gone but sometimes I just have to plead temporary insanity because I suddenly go nuts for control.

I had a boyfriend once, well you can hardly call him that because it lasted all of two weeks, but regardless I was breaking up with him. I was mad and refusing to answer his calls. I was, however, calming and about to call him back when he sent me a text saying:

"I demand you to answer your phone now. That is an order Ashley."

Oh boy, that was the end of that. I broke up with him then and there. Over text no less. You order me?? You demand me? Ha! No way.

I had just been on instant messenger with a very good friend however...yes during the whole mess...and he was just watching this all unfold. I had a different relationship with this friend and he ordered me around all the time. The next thing he said was "I order you to go to bed now. NOW." And he laughed when I followed his directions with a smirk and a goodnight.

It takes a certain kind of man to make me listen. And there's very few of those. There's a select few I would still listen to. But not like I do my husband. But even those I listen to...whew...I give them a run for their money.

Oh boy, submission is hard.

Ash