This ain't pretty.

Honestly I had another post in mind. Something happier. Something...informational even. But I think I'll have to put it aside and post it later. Maybe tomorrow...or the next day..as it appears I'll have time.

Look I get that as an Army wife I'm supposed to be good at being alone, at being strong and independent all the time. And in truth I usually am but I think DD has changed me. I'm more dependent on David. I require his regular attention or I get a little off.

David is going into the field for the next 5 days. Really I'm lucky. He should have to do this every few weeks. He trains people to deploy. That's his job. So he spends a lot of time running through the woods playing the bad guy and teaching the new guys how to handle combat/attacks. I do understand that that is his job. But it doesn't make it any easier. And usually he doesn't have to go out the whole time and with all the cut backs (which is a bad thing) he doesn't go out to train as often as they are supposed to. So I'm not used to him leaving anymore.

A question I receive a lot is how on earth did I handle deployment for a year as well as all the time he was in Germany and away from me when I can't handle a few days away when he's all of 30 miles away. Well essentially, during that time, I had a life. We weren't yet married and I was already living on my own. I hadn't gotten used to him being around. And though I missed him terribly and worried for him constantly and wished every second for him to be there with me...I did have distractions. I had a job at the time. I worked anywhere from 40-70 hour weeks and I was going to school at the time as well. I had friends when I did find a moment of free time. I had photoshoots in STL and family to go see if all else failed. Basically, I was busy busy and independent. And also there he could contact me. In the field he has no phone,  no computer, no anything.

You see I've always been relatively independent. I didn't have the best relationship with my parents so I rarely went to them for anything. I've always had a friend or two I was close with but I seem to be a magnet for horrible, drama filled relationships that reek havoc in my life until I end them so other than those 2 friends I didn't have a lot of people around. I had a lot of problems and I dealt with them on my own. I trusted no one. Ever. When guys would try to get close to me I would make it clear from the start "I don't trust anyone. People lie and people leave and forever is a joke." That usually sent em running pretty quickly. But it was the truth. I still don't trust anyone.

But I trust my husband.

Over time I've come to find myself relying more and more on him. I really feel DD has done that. And that's a good thing I think. It's brought us remarkably close together. It has made me trust him and be open with him. But it's also made me reveal my vulnerable side. I don't like it but it's safe with him. And DD is all about being less independent and not having to be strong all the time.

What that seems to mean is that I need him. More than I'd like to admit. And I get used to him being around and I don't know how to handle it when he's gone. And now, unlike when he was deployed, I'm really really alone. I don't have a job. I'm 800 miles from family and friends. We don't have kids. And we don't have a lot of money. What that means is that we rely on each other for company and entertainment but me more so than him. Reason being he's a soldier. He's busy like I was before. He has friends here and has a job to go to and do. He's occupied. I keep up with the housework. I watch some Psych on netflix. I write and I spend waayy too much time with Google. I play games on my phone and I call my mom incessantly.

Ugh.

I feel pathetic. 5 days is not much even without contact. But when he told me a few hours ago that he's leaving tomorrow morning I just shut down. I tuned him out and checked out. He's leaving so I put back up my walls. And I think I was even a little mad. Not necessarily at him but just in general. It's nothing he can control and I don't want him worrying about me while he's gone but my anxiety has been through the roof lately. And I have a doctors appointment to find out about some odd stuff going on with my body and whether or not I'm pregnant and he's not going to be contactable during that time and it just sucks.

I'm sorry.

This post wasn't pretty. I just really needed to vent. And I sound ridiculous. I'm just going to stop writing now. I'll come back when I've calmed down.