Overwhelmed with love and weirdness

Do you ever just get overwhelmed with love for your spouse? So much so that you just can't bring yourself to let go, your every gaze is right on them, and "I love you" just doesn't seem strong enough? I've been doing that the past couple of days.

See I told you things go right most of the time.

But really things have been pretty bad and it's all my fault. Of course there were issues on both sides, mainly with what we were doing with D/s and DD and the main problem was that from my end it appeared he didn't really care whether we did it or not. Like I know he wants DD but D/s? That ones newer and while he likes it sometimes, other times he just seems out of his element. I still can't really get him to tell me what he wants but I think we've made some headway. 

Regardless of the issues though, if I had handled them in a calm, respectful, submissive manor like I'm supposed to the large majority of our fights would never have happened. He's pretty good at remaining calm regardless of how he feels....I'm a female, however. 

We decided to do a "Kick Start" weekend to sort of jump start our transition into more D/s and form a stronger relationship. Unfortunately he didn't do much to start with and I felt like he wasn't understanding nor wanting to understand what I was needing from him. This lead to me being very angry and *gasp* pulling the consent card. I told him I was done with it all. I know this may seem wrong to some, but I'm glad he did it: he ignored me. He took it as me needing all kinds of control from him and he was right. He took over entirely. 

It's the strangest thing how certain things work. I never thought I could handle true humilation aspects of D/s but he through in a little and I think it's what really brought me around. He walked me through the house room by room, me still all sorts of messed up and covered with toys, tears streaming down my face, asking me "who's room is this." The answer was obviously "his." He walked me by the mirror and pointed out how pathetic I looked. And what the fuck do I do? I melt. That's what I do. I'm suddenly in awe of him and his power and feel more love than I've felt in months. 

The fuck kind of sense does that make? I'm just accepting that I'm weird and moving on but seriously...weird. 

Anywho, after that scene I had a bit of an epiphany of sorts. Oh I know, finally she gets her thoughts together. It's my blog, I'll take my time making rational thoughts, thank you very much. I realized that I've been being a horrible wife and sub. He was hurting because I was pushing him out. I was unhappy and instead of looking to see what I could change, I pointed out every single thing I felt he was doing wrong. Were there improvements he needed to make? Yes. Was there much more I could have done too? Oh hell yeah. I was panicking at all the power he was taking and I don't know why. It's what I wanted. And then when he pulled back too, I panicked ever more thinking he didn't love me enough to control me.

I know. I'm broken. Broken and weird.

But suddenly after coming into this kick start weekend it's been like a switch. I remembered why I love him. Why he's my best friend. Why he's so damn important to me. Why I was attracted to him in the first place. I focused and remember how much he loves me and how much I love him. And it's like this huge fog lifted. And now I can't let go of him.

I keep telling him "I need you." Meanwhile I'm crawling all up in his business and squeezing him tight, holding on to his body like he's about to freaking deploy or something. Now I've gone and went bananas in a whole new direction. But this one I think I can deal with because this one I'm happy doing. I'm fucking determined to be a good sub and a good wife. I'm determined to remember that my body is his and not fight him every step of the way. I'm determined to listen and do everything I can to be what he needs.

Of course I'm me. I'm bratty and sarcastic and a teency bti demanding. So this could be difficult. But I really really really want to work on it. In the mean time I'm going to stare longingly at my husband when he's too busy to be held and I'm going to hold on to this ridiculously strong love feeling that "love" doesn't cover.

It feels good.

Ash

Deepening submission

I've been reading a lot of posts lately about feminism and how it fits into the whole "submission" thing. I've never been part of the whole feminism thing. I hate listening to women as they complain about "stupid men" and changing and fixing the "stupid men." That's just not me. I've worked. I've worked hard. I've been independent and really I still am. But despite not getting on the whole "I am woman, hear me roar" train, I still think about how others view me as a submissive wife.

There's a key difference between submitting due to feeling like you don't have a choice and submitting because you actually choose to. I choose to submit. I want to submit. I asked for this lifestyle and I meant it. Very very very few people know about how I live my life with my husband and they have mostly all been fine with it. But I hear plenty of others speak and know just a few words in that they would not be accepting of my choosing to submit to my husband because they just wouldn't see it that way. I don't submit to him simply because he is a man but because he is my husband. None of you know me but if you did you would never guess me to be as submissive as I am. I have a low tolerance for stupidity and I let that be known...often...loudly. I roll my eyes. I tell people off. Sarcasm is my first and possibly only language. That type of personality I am complely aware is not usually considered conducive to a submissive lifestyle. But that's what I live. And that's who I am. I submit to one man. One man only. No one else. Just my husband.

It's not to say that it's easy though and apologize but I'm going to start rambling now. David has just started being essentially every thing I've needed and been asking for and I'm completely terrified. Not of him of course, but of getting exactly what I wished for. Submission is a lot like skydiving. Once you are up in the plane there's no other option but to just jump...or perhaps fall. It's going to be the most amazing thing you've ever done in your life but holy moly it's going to be scary. And you really don't know quite where you're going to land in the end.

It's the same with submission. I love it. I need it. I crave it. More like I crave his dominance and control. I want it so terribly bad but that doesn't mean that as I discover the true depth of my submission to him that I don't freak out a bit. Because I sooo am. I'm coming to discover just how much I need this. I didn't realize exactly how submissive I was until now. But it's also terrifying to watch as your control is taken from you...even if that's what you want. Suddenly David is the perfect Dom. He's saying all the right things and expecting all the right things and doing all the right things. He asked some very personal questions yesterday and I answered and then said "I want my privacy." He responded with "who's privacy?" Oh yeah...his. When I've whined that he's touching me too much or in the wrong places or something's hurting a bit in a way I don't like he says "Yeah well it's mine so I can." As we venture further into D/s there's been some things that yes..I want it, but man...it's harder to obey those things than I thought. In an effort to use terms that any vanilla people that come across this blog won't understand I'm going to use Rogue's, from Rogue's awakening, term "KK." I have to wear one now. 5 hours a day minimum. He actually had said three at first and then I showed him some reading material on it and he upped it to five before day one even started. I thought it would be easy. I was so wrong. I feel instantly vulnerable and submissive and a little humiliated. All good things but not easy to accept. I was supposed to wear it even outside the house but I did once and I freaked and he said we could ease into it.

Then I felt like a bad sub. And today I really feel like a bad sub because because of it I didn't have a lot of time to wear one today and asked for the day off. First off, I was bitchy about asking. He said he needed to think about it in an effort to show me that it really is his decision. And I huffed. Second, if I would have just maned up a bit I could have done it for him today.

I'm going to stop rambling now.

Ash.

I swear things are usually good..

But I tend to write when I'm upset or angry.

This is unfortunately no exception.

This just happened so I may be extra upset but...I'm fuming. So I had an incident with the puppy. I was on a cleaning spree today and wanted to get Sammy washed before cleaning up the bathroom he was sure to make a mess out of. I severely underestimated his strength and disdain for water. He WOULD NOT cooperate. At all. He's apparently too big for me to handle now and things got bad. He wouldn't stay put and caused a huge mess and a glass cup to break. I had bopped him repeatedly and he just ignored it. David always says I don't hit hard enough. Sammy usually thinks I'm still playing. This time was different. I had bopped him hard but not too hard but I just lost it and  bopped him HARD. I didn't mean to and I immediately burst into tears. He was fine. He started kissing me and stayed close to me. After making a little worse flooding in the bathroom I let him free. But I was sobbing.

This may sound small...but I had a slightly abusive Dad. He never did much but when he got really angry I knew to run. I felt right there like I was becoming my father. And to top it off we're trying to have a child and I just panicked. I felt like I broke. I felt like I'd lost all control and couldn't handle anything.

David has always complained that I don't call him when I'm upset. I don't want to interupt him at work so I never bother him while he's there. I just cry to myself and move on but he told me recently that I definitely need to call him when I'm upset. So I did. I texted him "I need you :(" He called and I was hysterical but I tried to explain. He only let me get a few mumbled words out before he started accusingly saying "What did you do??" I kept just saying "I feel bad" and he comes at me accusingly? Then he just hangs up, bolts out of work despite everyone around him asking questions and such and I call him back. I tell him again I'm fine and Sammy's fine and I don't want him to come home. I just needed his voice was all. He said it was too late and he was coming home to see what happened.

When he got home he seemed annoyed that he came home but I told him not to. He kept asking what happened and when I explained (including the part about my Dad) he laughed and said I was being ridiculous. I shut down after that. But he continued on about leaving work and that I should have communicated better. I don't know what else I could have done and I told him so. I told him he over reacted and it's not my fault he came home. I told him not to. I told him I was fine. He said I shouldn't have called him at all then. I reminded him of his prior request and he didn't seem to know what to say. I was just mad and pulled away. I told him he should have asked me to calm down...should have helped me speak rather than accused and left work.

He spanked me. For being disrespectful.

I wasn't in the mindset for that. I submitted but I was fuming and it changed nothing. He was full HoH mode which is good and all but I was too far gone, too pissed.

He left saying my attitude better change by the time he gets home.

I'm at a loss.

If he had spanked me saying it was to calm us both down rather than for discipline then maybe I would have responded better but I don't feel I was very disrespectful. I feel I was belittled and accused. I feel hurt. I feel like running away like I always used to. I'm not...but I sure want to. Now I've lost focus of all the things that need doing. I don't care about anything. I'm just mad.

And I don't know how to fix it.

This just sucks.

A need for more

So it's been a while and there's good reason behind it. I think.

I'm still having trouble finding my words. I think I lost them.

See I'm still not comfortable getting into all the details of the D/s part of us. I want to keep mostly DD on here and out in the open like this. But DD is both a huge and small part of what we do and I'm not sure how to do that.

Right now I'm at a loss. I'm afraid that I need more control than my husband can give me. It seems every time I try to talk to him about wanting him to be more strict and taking more control and reading into the lifestyle for himself he says "oh yeah, I will." And then never does. He's made all sorts of comments illuding to more coming and then nothing comes.

Me: You don't have to have a reason behind everything you do. If you want to spank me just spank me, etc etc."

Him: You're going to regret saying that come tomorrow.

What happened 'tomorrow'? Nothing. He was super sweet all day.

And there's nothing wrong with sweet...except when more was promised. I don't always respond to sweet. Some times I want him to be a little rough around the edges. Sometimes I don't want him to care quite so much. That sounds terrible and I do want him to care but what I mean is when we get into spanking or anything else I don't want him stopping and saying "are you okay?" every few minutes. I don't want him to assume that my going into my "zone" during play means that something is wrong when it means everything is perfect. When I'm upset even, sometimes I don't want him to hold me and comfort me when I'm being ridiculous...I want him to take control. I want him to show me that he's in charge. He can handle it and that I'm being ridiculous.

I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy.

Terms like "master" and "slave" still scare the crap outta me. I don't want to be a slave. But I do want to be owned. I want to feel his control. I want to be his. All his. And I want to feel that at all times, not just during maintenance or during quick play.

I don't even know myself exactly what I'm looking for so that isn't helping. I guess it's a cross between more rules, more consistency, more strictness and just an overall confident, manly, demanding, in control demeanor. I want to venture further into the D/s realm.

Yup. I'm just crazy. And my craziness will never be fulfilled either because I can't voice it and it's too much to ask from someone who's just not as into this as I am. He doesn't really tell me what he's into. I don't really even know what he likes and doesn't.

He's obviously a spanko. He seems to enjoy torturing me sometimes and he does seem to like his role as HoH but past that? I have no idea. I don't know the ins and outs of him like I want to and no conversation seems to lead to that.

I can't work with him if he won't tell me anything. If he won't talk with me or say anything.

I want to grow in and deepen my submission to him and I just don't feel like I can right now. Not with his "oh that's nice" attitude towards everything. If he doesn't want my submission then there's nothing I can do about that.

I'm thinking maybe what we need is like a week or so or less or whatever of just really intense...everything. Just really strict. Really into the lifestyle. Kind of like a boot camp of sorts just to test out how we do and get us in motion. If we like it like that then we extend it. If not then we lessen things until we're comfortable. I don't know..

Eh.

Maybe I'm just being bratty and dictating.

Ash

And the walls came tumbling down..

Once upon a time I was very strong and independent person.

I've had nothing but long distance relationships. I could never count on someone being right there to have my back. I had to handle anything that came my way on my own. I had few friends and I liked it that way. My parents weren't exactly my pals to say the least. I spent my years running away or hiding out in the depths of my room. I knew how to take care of myself and I did so well.

During my one semester of college I had 18 credit hours and worked 50-60 hour work weeks. After I quit school I moved up to 70 hour weeks. I can handle myself. I can work for myself. I can pay my own bills and do what it takes to survive on my own.

I spent that time building up walls, putting dead bolts on the doors and boarding up the windows. I trusted no one and made that clear. One of my exes can attest to that as I may have said it to him a time or ten. I needed no one. Ever.

And then along came David. Again, he was safe because he was far away. He was stationed in Germany when we started talking. Despite having actually gone to the same high school I had only barely heard of him before that. He gone and he wasn't coming back any time soon. His next stop was deployment. We started dating in the middle of it after having talked as a couple for nearly a year and a half prior to that. He went on leave, he left, he went on leave, he left. And you know what? I was fine. Sure, it sucked but I didn't practically keel over because of it. I was used to being on my own and it didn't bother me. During deployment I often couldn't talk to him. It's the nature of the job. Ever heard the saying "The Army is my husband's mistress and sometimes that bitch gets all the attention" ? Yeah. It's true. But I got over it then.

Suddenly he's in the states and I find myself moving to be with him and within a month I'd confessed to wanting and needing DD in my life. At the start of it it didn't change much. He still left for rotation and I was completely fine. A bit bored at that point because I lacked a job or friends in the area but emotionally just peachy.

Next thing you know we really get into DD and he starts tearing at my boards and chains and yanking them down piece by piece. And I let him. More easily than I thought. I become vulnerable to him....weak to him. He takes control and I love it. I fall to him. Cling to him. I need him and it's heaven.  He takes me by the hand to help me relearn everything using his direction.

And then he has to leave again. And it's like I'm standing there uncovered. Naked, no longer shielded from the world as he's stolen my walls. And see I can't put them back up because I've forgotten how to use a hammer and nails by myself.

And I'm just stuck.

This was a really long metaphor to say essentially what I said yesterday. I was just hoping to make it sound at least slightly less pathetic.

Things are getting a little better. He came home for about an hour to shower up and such this morning and it fixed my day. But now he has absolutely no service and I pretty much can't talk to him until Monday evening. But I have plans filling my whole weekend to get my through. It's just the weekend now. I can do this. Walls or no walls. I'll figure it out....I used to be independent. I used to be strong. I used to take care of myself and it went off without a hitch. Well that last part is false but who handles everything perfectly anyway?

Point is. I did it before. I can do it again.

But just watch this attitude get me spanked when he comes home...

Ash

I'm losing it

I'm seriously losing it.

David is on rotation in the box which means little to no contact. He's running around the woods training soldiers and I'm at home trying to train a puppy.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I got through a whole year of deployment and used to be just fine on my own and I just can't now. I'm writing this in tears because I'm so overwhelmed and I apparently am so pathetic I don't know how to do basic tasks without my husband here to hold my hand through it. I have incredibly high anxiety and DD helps tremendously with managing that in multiple ways. He tells me all the time that I don't have to worry because he's in control. He's got it. He can handle everything. I can't. But I don't have to because my husband holds the reins and I simply go where I'm led. Plus spanking helps relieve stress and obviously that's not here when he's gone.

I get very easily overwhelmed and so he tells me what needs to get done in a day and expects only those things and nothing more. If I go above and beyond that's great but he doesn't ever want to put too much on my plate because I'll have a panic attack from not being able to handle it all and not knowing how to organize it into manageable pieces. When we moved into our current house I froze and panicked at all the stuff to unpack and put away. He calmly came in and told me to start on one side of the bed and he wanted it done when he came back in the room. Then the front of the bed. Then another part of the room and so on. I got it done quickly and easily and with no more worry. Currently I have a weeks worth of tasks to be done and I'm not the least bit sure how to organize it into those nice neat piles to work through like he does and it's difficult to motivate myself when no one is coming home in need of a nice clean house. It's just me. Alone. All day. With nothing to do but clean and work out and deal with the puppy.

The puppy is stressing me out tremendously. See we got him at 5 weeks old which apparently is much too young to be getting a puppy. We misinterpreted his being a complete baby as his personality and thought he was the most perfect dog ever. He was fine with vacuums an inch from his face and slept constantly. He liked nothing more than to lay on our lap or feet and just chill there and his only fear was floor texture changes. Odd...I know. We had him nearly potty trained and kennel trained and trained in general by 6 weeks. He knew how to come, sit, down, off, no bite, go potty, food, and follow a finger point to where he needed to go. It was perfect and he was calm and easily followed those directions. Then he hit 8 weeks. That's the age you're supposed to get a puppy and it's like he's forgotten everything. He's now wild and hyper and likes to jump and bite and whine incessantly. And he listens to only David because he has figured out he's the alpha in our pack. And wouldn't you just figure that David would have to leave just days after the 8 week mark? Super. He won't listen to me in the slightest. I bop him off the couch and tell him 'off' and he gives it a minute then does it again. Then cries when he knows I'm mad. Then when I soothe him starts doing it again. I don't know what to do. I can't have him inside all the time because I have things to do and I have to watch him constantly but I feel terrible ignoring him all day.

I need my husband's guidance. I require his control on a daily basis in order to handle basic tasks. Apparently. I'm seriously losing it. DD has made me much too dependent where I used to be more than fine alone. But now there's no one to cook for so I forget to eat. I can't deal with the dog so I just cry because I feel pathetic so  why not look the part. I need to clean but there's no one to occupy the puppy.  I cleaned the car but I can't reach the roof and that looks obvious now that it's dry. That's David's part of the car. Essentially the only things I've made time for are working out and tanning because those are my stress relievers and because I have a photoshoot in the morning.

Just before David left I confessed that I was terrified of him leaving and losing his control for a week. Without missing a beat he told me he's still in control. He listed out the tasks that need completing. He told me the only reason I can do anything I do is because he's okayed it or provided it.

"You can walk the puppy because I said you can. You can go to your photoshoot because I said you can. You can see JeNene because I said you can. You can watch Netflix because I pay for it and said you can. You can go grocery shop because I told you to. You can blog and be on your computer because I said you can. You can tan because I let you buy a package and said you can. You can workout because I told you to."

It went on and on. He's right. And it calmed me temporarily at the time. But now that it's all in effect I just don't feel the control and it's down right terrifying. I feel lost and alone and just need my husband. It's only been 2 days and he won't be home until Monday night and while I do have a little more to do the next few days I just feel out of control and like I need some help.

All I want to do right now is hide under a blanket until Monday night comes. It's not pretty but that's what it is right now. I don't know anyone here well enough to confide in and my friends back home are busy. I'm a stay at home wife who cooks, cleans, exercises way too much, and waits for her husband to come home because the Army moved us to the middle of no where in a town that oh yeah...flooded the night he left. Yay.

I apologize for this being my big come back post after disappearing for a month but I don't know where else to write that I need my husband's control to function. I doubt my Mom would quite understand that one and she's the only one I've talked to since he left.

I feel pathetic.

Urg.

If you want something to make you smile after reading this post check out my "feelings free humor blog" at oh-its-her.com Do so at your own risk if you are easily offended because I'm not real good at being appropriate.

Ta ta for now
Ash

changes..

I'll keep this short because I still don't know what to say.

I've been avoiding this blog because things have changed in my relationship with David and I haven't been sure how to explain it or what exactly I want posted on a public blog.

We are still a DD couple first and foremost and most likely always will be. I will be honest and say that for the most part that is still going wonderfully though we've had our ups and downs. I have several posts in drafts about it that I just couldn't get right and they never got posted. Then my anxiety kicked in and I got overwhelmed and I wrote a post on that...that got deleted by the Internet freezing when I was almost done and hadn't yet saved. That kind of did it for me and I froze and I just pulled away.

While we are indeed still mostly a DD couple we have added some D/s to it as well. We'd talked about it before as it's something I had  been interested in and he seemed to enjoy those aspects in bed from time to time. But see that's just it...it's mostly "in bed" types of activities whether they are actually in bed or not as we have taken them beyond the bedroom and I'm not sure I want to share those intimate details here or not but it's part of who we are now.

I wrote out an essay of sorts to David about how we can do DD and D/s and keep them separate but together and I'll put part of that here:

The differences between D/s and DD and how to use them together but separately.

D/s and DD are both very different and very similar, but are used for two entirely separate mindsets. I personally need our lifestyle to be mainly DD as that is what truly helps me to be more respectful and submissive. I need to feel cared for and loved and safe and I need to know that my actions have consequences. I need to know that when I push a wall it will push back and will not bend. DD is entirely about respect and love and keeping peace and harmony in a marriage and that’s great and what I want but D/s can also be used. D/s, however, has a time and a place whereas DD doesn’t turn off. I don’t intend to be a slave but I do feel and want to feel owned. Does that make sense? D/s is more sexual and purely about dominance and submission rather than simply harmony. DD’s rules have meaning and reason behind them. They are for the happiness of our relationship, my safety and well being and yours, and respect. Submission plays a huge role of course, as that is how we accomplish those things but it’s a different submission.  D/s’ rules are of a more erotic nature purely meant to dominate and increase a good kind of tension. While D/s can be thrown in at any time at your discretion, it is not quite a 24/7 thing unless we were to take it there, which I’m honestly not sure I could handle. I could never be as extreme as other couples. I don’t think I could ever wear a butt plug 24/7, needles terrify me, as do hot things. The terms ‘master’ and ‘slave’ make me feel a bit weird and not in a good way. But that doesn’t mean D/s can’t be part of our lives. First and foremost, in the bedroom is the best place to start and where we have already begun. You’ve certainly understand the basics of forcing and choking and spanking in a way that’s not for punishment but still let’s me know ‘my place.’ You know what the toys are and how to use them but in D/s they can be brought outside the bedroom. DD is always in the front of both of our minds as it should be. I know I need to be submissive and respectful to you. I know that you are mine but you own all that’s mine including me. I know that you love me and care for me and I need to feel that but D/s elements throughout our relationship would not harm that. 


There was more but once again I feel it to personal to place here. 


Anyway...just an update. I intend to keep writing I'm just not sure what about...


Ash




PS...check out my humor blog ohitsher.com