Once upon a time I was very strong and independent person.
I've had nothing but long distance relationships. I could never count on someone being right there to have my back. I had to handle anything that came my way on my own. I had few friends and I liked it that way. My parents weren't exactly my pals to say the least. I spent my years running away or hiding out in the depths of my room. I knew how to take care of myself and I did so well.
During my one semester of college I had 18 credit hours and worked 50-60 hour work weeks. After I quit school I moved up to 70 hour weeks. I can handle myself. I can work for myself. I can pay my own bills and do what it takes to survive on my own.
I spent that time building up walls, putting dead bolts on the doors and boarding up the windows. I trusted no one and made that clear. One of my exes can attest to that as I may have said it to him a time or ten. I needed no one. Ever.
And then along came David. Again, he was safe because he was far away. He was stationed in Germany when we started talking. Despite having actually gone to the same high school I had only barely heard of him before that. He gone and he wasn't coming back any time soon. His next stop was deployment. We started dating in the middle of it after having talked as a couple for nearly a year and a half prior to that. He went on leave, he left, he went on leave, he left. And you know what? I was fine. Sure, it sucked but I didn't practically keel over because of it. I was used to being on my own and it didn't bother me. During deployment I often couldn't talk to him. It's the nature of the job. Ever heard the saying "The Army is my husband's mistress and sometimes that bitch gets all the attention" ? Yeah. It's true. But I got over it then.
Suddenly he's in the states and I find myself moving to be with him and within a month I'd confessed to wanting and needing DD in my life. At the start of it it didn't change much. He still left for rotation and I was completely fine. A bit bored at that point because I lacked a job or friends in the area but emotionally just peachy.
Next thing you know we really get into DD and he starts tearing at my boards and chains and yanking them down piece by piece. And I let him. More easily than I thought. I become vulnerable to him....weak to him. He takes control and I love it. I fall to him. Cling to him. I need him and it's heaven. He takes me by the hand to help me relearn everything using his direction.
And then he has to leave again. And it's like I'm standing there uncovered. Naked, no longer shielded from the world as he's stolen my walls. And see I can't put them back up because I've forgotten how to use a hammer and nails by myself.
And I'm just stuck.
This was a really long metaphor to say essentially what I said yesterday. I was just hoping to make it sound at least slightly less pathetic.
Things are getting a little better. He came home for about an hour to shower up and such this morning and it fixed my day. But now he has absolutely no service and I pretty much can't talk to him until Monday evening. But I have plans filling my whole weekend to get my through. It's just the weekend now. I can do this. Walls or no walls. I'll figure it out....I used to be independent. I used to be strong. I used to take care of myself and it went off without a hitch. Well that last part is false but who handles everything perfectly anyway?
Point is. I did it before. I can do it again.
But just watch this attitude get me spanked when he comes home...
Ash
Friday, March 23, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
I'm losing it
I'm seriously losing it.
David is on rotation in the box which means little to no contact. He's running around the woods training soldiers and I'm at home trying to train a puppy.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I got through a whole year of deployment and used to be just fine on my own and I just can't now. I'm writing this in tears because I'm so overwhelmed and I apparently am so pathetic I don't know how to do basic tasks without my husband here to hold my hand through it. I have incredibly high anxiety and DD helps tremendously with managing that in multiple ways. He tells me all the time that I don't have to worry because he's in control. He's got it. He can handle everything. I can't. But I don't have to because my husband holds the reins and I simply go where I'm led. Plus spanking helps relieve stress and obviously that's not here when he's gone.
I get very easily overwhelmed and so he tells me what needs to get done in a day and expects only those things and nothing more. If I go above and beyond that's great but he doesn't ever want to put too much on my plate because I'll have a panic attack from not being able to handle it all and not knowing how to organize it into manageable pieces. When we moved into our current house I froze and panicked at all the stuff to unpack and put away. He calmly came in and told me to start on one side of the bed and he wanted it done when he came back in the room. Then the front of the bed. Then another part of the room and so on. I got it done quickly and easily and with no more worry. Currently I have a weeks worth of tasks to be done and I'm not the least bit sure how to organize it into those nice neat piles to work through like he does and it's difficult to motivate myself when no one is coming home in need of a nice clean house. It's just me. Alone. All day. With nothing to do but clean and work out and deal with the puppy.
The puppy is stressing me out tremendously. See we got him at 5 weeks old which apparently is much too young to be getting a puppy. We misinterpreted his being a complete baby as his personality and thought he was the most perfect dog ever. He was fine with vacuums an inch from his face and slept constantly. He liked nothing more than to lay on our lap or feet and just chill there and his only fear was floor texture changes. Odd...I know. We had him nearly potty trained and kennel trained and trained in general by 6 weeks. He knew how to come, sit, down, off, no bite, go potty, food, and follow a finger point to where he needed to go. It was perfect and he was calm and easily followed those directions. Then he hit 8 weeks. That's the age you're supposed to get a puppy and it's like he's forgotten everything. He's now wild and hyper and likes to jump and bite and whine incessantly. And he listens to only David because he has figured out he's the alpha in our pack. And wouldn't you just figure that David would have to leave just days after the 8 week mark? Super. He won't listen to me in the slightest. I bop him off the couch and tell him 'off' and he gives it a minute then does it again. Then cries when he knows I'm mad. Then when I soothe him starts doing it again. I don't know what to do. I can't have him inside all the time because I have things to do and I have to watch him constantly but I feel terrible ignoring him all day.
I need my husband's guidance. I require his control on a daily basis in order to handle basic tasks. Apparently. I'm seriously losing it. DD has made me much too dependent where I used to be more than fine alone. But now there's no one to cook for so I forget to eat. I can't deal with the dog so I just cry because I feel pathetic so why not look the part. I need to clean but there's no one to occupy the puppy. I cleaned the car but I can't reach the roof and that looks obvious now that it's dry. That's David's part of the car. Essentially the only things I've made time for are working out and tanning because those are my stress relievers and because I have a photoshoot in the morning.
Just before David left I confessed that I was terrified of him leaving and losing his control for a week. Without missing a beat he told me he's still in control. He listed out the tasks that need completing. He told me the only reason I can do anything I do is because he's okayed it or provided it.
"You can walk the puppy because I said you can. You can go to your photoshoot because I said you can. You can see JeNene because I said you can. You can watch Netflix because I pay for it and said you can. You can go grocery shop because I told you to. You can blog and be on your computer because I said you can. You can tan because I let you buy a package and said you can. You can workout because I told you to."
It went on and on. He's right. And it calmed me temporarily at the time. But now that it's all in effect I just don't feel the control and it's down right terrifying. I feel lost and alone and just need my husband. It's only been 2 days and he won't be home until Monday night and while I do have a little more to do the next few days I just feel out of control and like I need some help.
All I want to do right now is hide under a blanket until Monday night comes. It's not pretty but that's what it is right now. I don't know anyone here well enough to confide in and my friends back home are busy. I'm a stay at home wife who cooks, cleans, exercises way too much, and waits for her husband to come home because the Army moved us to the middle of no where in a town that oh yeah...flooded the night he left. Yay.
I apologize for this being my big come back post after disappearing for a month but I don't know where else to write that I need my husband's control to function. I doubt my Mom would quite understand that one and she's the only one I've talked to since he left.
I feel pathetic.
Urg.
If you want something to make you smile after reading this post check out my "feelings free humor blog" at oh-its-her.com Do so at your own risk if you are easily offended because I'm not real good at being appropriate.
Ta ta for now
Ash
David is on rotation in the box which means little to no contact. He's running around the woods training soldiers and I'm at home trying to train a puppy.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I got through a whole year of deployment and used to be just fine on my own and I just can't now. I'm writing this in tears because I'm so overwhelmed and I apparently am so pathetic I don't know how to do basic tasks without my husband here to hold my hand through it. I have incredibly high anxiety and DD helps tremendously with managing that in multiple ways. He tells me all the time that I don't have to worry because he's in control. He's got it. He can handle everything. I can't. But I don't have to because my husband holds the reins and I simply go where I'm led. Plus spanking helps relieve stress and obviously that's not here when he's gone.
I get very easily overwhelmed and so he tells me what needs to get done in a day and expects only those things and nothing more. If I go above and beyond that's great but he doesn't ever want to put too much on my plate because I'll have a panic attack from not being able to handle it all and not knowing how to organize it into manageable pieces. When we moved into our current house I froze and panicked at all the stuff to unpack and put away. He calmly came in and told me to start on one side of the bed and he wanted it done when he came back in the room. Then the front of the bed. Then another part of the room and so on. I got it done quickly and easily and with no more worry. Currently I have a weeks worth of tasks to be done and I'm not the least bit sure how to organize it into those nice neat piles to work through like he does and it's difficult to motivate myself when no one is coming home in need of a nice clean house. It's just me. Alone. All day. With nothing to do but clean and work out and deal with the puppy.
The puppy is stressing me out tremendously. See we got him at 5 weeks old which apparently is much too young to be getting a puppy. We misinterpreted his being a complete baby as his personality and thought he was the most perfect dog ever. He was fine with vacuums an inch from his face and slept constantly. He liked nothing more than to lay on our lap or feet and just chill there and his only fear was floor texture changes. Odd...I know. We had him nearly potty trained and kennel trained and trained in general by 6 weeks. He knew how to come, sit, down, off, no bite, go potty, food, and follow a finger point to where he needed to go. It was perfect and he was calm and easily followed those directions. Then he hit 8 weeks. That's the age you're supposed to get a puppy and it's like he's forgotten everything. He's now wild and hyper and likes to jump and bite and whine incessantly. And he listens to only David because he has figured out he's the alpha in our pack. And wouldn't you just figure that David would have to leave just days after the 8 week mark? Super. He won't listen to me in the slightest. I bop him off the couch and tell him 'off' and he gives it a minute then does it again. Then cries when he knows I'm mad. Then when I soothe him starts doing it again. I don't know what to do. I can't have him inside all the time because I have things to do and I have to watch him constantly but I feel terrible ignoring him all day.
I need my husband's guidance. I require his control on a daily basis in order to handle basic tasks. Apparently. I'm seriously losing it. DD has made me much too dependent where I used to be more than fine alone. But now there's no one to cook for so I forget to eat. I can't deal with the dog so I just cry because I feel pathetic so why not look the part. I need to clean but there's no one to occupy the puppy. I cleaned the car but I can't reach the roof and that looks obvious now that it's dry. That's David's part of the car. Essentially the only things I've made time for are working out and tanning because those are my stress relievers and because I have a photoshoot in the morning.
Just before David left I confessed that I was terrified of him leaving and losing his control for a week. Without missing a beat he told me he's still in control. He listed out the tasks that need completing. He told me the only reason I can do anything I do is because he's okayed it or provided it.
"You can walk the puppy because I said you can. You can go to your photoshoot because I said you can. You can see JeNene because I said you can. You can watch Netflix because I pay for it and said you can. You can go grocery shop because I told you to. You can blog and be on your computer because I said you can. You can tan because I let you buy a package and said you can. You can workout because I told you to."
It went on and on. He's right. And it calmed me temporarily at the time. But now that it's all in effect I just don't feel the control and it's down right terrifying. I feel lost and alone and just need my husband. It's only been 2 days and he won't be home until Monday night and while I do have a little more to do the next few days I just feel out of control and like I need some help.
All I want to do right now is hide under a blanket until Monday night comes. It's not pretty but that's what it is right now. I don't know anyone here well enough to confide in and my friends back home are busy. I'm a stay at home wife who cooks, cleans, exercises way too much, and waits for her husband to come home because the Army moved us to the middle of no where in a town that oh yeah...flooded the night he left. Yay.
I apologize for this being my big come back post after disappearing for a month but I don't know where else to write that I need my husband's control to function. I doubt my Mom would quite understand that one and she's the only one I've talked to since he left.
I feel pathetic.
Urg.
If you want something to make you smile after reading this post check out my "feelings free humor blog" at oh-its-her.com Do so at your own risk if you are easily offended because I'm not real good at being appropriate.
Ta ta for now
Ash
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